This year, Christmas has not seemed quite so much like Christmas, for some reason. I am not sure what the difference is. I went back to my post Gentle Christmas ( A Gentle Christmas – Terri LaBonte- Reinventing Myself in Retirement ) from last year because the feeling seems a little familiar. I did have a sense that I might have felt the same last year. In re-reading last year’s Christmas edition, I learned that I did turn a very merry corner in 2023. However, last year I felt hopeful and happy about that change. This year, those attitude adjustments I made last year feel a little hollow.
When I thought about what made Christmas not feel like Christmas, it struck me that the statement was a bit of a mystery. It is like when someone says, “I don’t feel like myself.” If YOU are the one feeling a certain kind of way, surely feeling that “certain kind of way” must be feeling like YOURSELF. If it IS Christmas, then the way I feel must be the way Christmas feels.
In truth, Christmas is not just one thing, and it does not feel just one way. It is not as permanent and unchanging as we would sometimes like to believe.
Some events or traditions that do stay similar from year to year may not continue to serve the happiness of those who partake. For instance, I gave up on Christmas cards this year. It was a hard decision because I care so much about the connection that I have with the people to whom I send cards. However, last year my energy lagged as I plowed my way through the list. It became a chore, and I am afraid that the people whose names started later in the alphabet did not get the attention and thought that I would have liked to give them. I decided on a different way forward.
Some events or traditions that change dramatically may not feel good but that does not mean that they are necessarily worse in the grand scheme of things. For instance, I always miss my mother, but Christmas shines a harsh spotlight on her empty chair. My mother, like her daughter, was a Crazy Christmas Lady. Christmas will never be the same without her. However, when I feel that sudden stab of loss, as I do regularly during the holiday season, I tend to lean into it and live in the memory of her wild and uncontrolled festive reflex. That memory wraps around me and fuels me in a different way than while she was alive. Neither way is better. They are just different. I know my mother has gone home for the holidays forever, but she also left love here for me to celebrate.
I have been thinking about my expectations and paradigms around Christmas. Since I understand, at least in my heart, that Christmas does not have to feel just one way, I wanted to figure out what about this Christmas felt not just different but lacking.
Many people who are going through tough times find Christmas particularly difficult. I, on the other hand, have always looked at Christmas as an escape from the reality of troubled times. All my life, no matter what problems I faced or what hurt I was experiencing, I was able to put it aside and immerse myself in magic at Christmastime. And there was almost always much from which I needed to escape. I was able to release the burden of managing pain and fear for those few weeks each year. Instead, through sheer force of will, I could pretend they did not exist at all. Most people feel some post-holiday letdown, but that letdown could be crippling to me as the real world burst from its fetters and came back to haunt me on December 26th.
I realized that is the feeling that these past two Christmases have been lacking- escape. Here’s the good news- and this realization rocked my whole understanding of myself. I no longer need the escape. I have healed so much from the ugliness that attacked and eroded my soul most of my life, I no longer need to cling desperately to the life preserver a few weeks of delusion in December provided.
Now that I have reached this startling revelation, I am finding it much more comfortable to live with a more diverse paradigm of what Christmas feels like. So, this Christmas, what feels like Christmas for me?
As a Christian, I cannot ignore the fundamental importance of the Incarnation of Jesus. These are indeed tidings of extraordinary joy and, no matter how I feel in a particular moment, it will always be tidings of great joy. In my soul, I rejoice with exceeding great joy.
Additionally, God has made Himself incarnate in a very special way for me over the past week. This incarnation mimics and reminds me of that Great Incarnation of the Nativity in a humble way. The honest truth is that so many people heap God’s love over me. They are God’s love incarnate. I am so, so grateful and joyful for the people God puts around me and the love He gives me in my life I’ve seen it so generously in the past few days especially. There is no greater “feels like Christmas” than this.
I know that one day I will go home for the holidays forever and it will be a joyful day. Until then, I will continue to rejoice with exceeding great joy that home is where the heart is and my heart lives in the love of my family- both the family by biology and the family by selection!
Merry, merry Christmas! Thank you all for your incarnation! May God bless you all in the coming year.
Terri/Dorry 😊
Does Christmas feel like Christmas to you this year? What makes Christmas feel like Christmas? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.