Wild And Unpredictable

We recently went on vacation to Las Vegas. I craved this vacation like a crack addict craves cocaine. Not in the way you might think, though.

Many of you know that I am a pretty risk averse person. It isn’t that I can’t throw caution to the wind now and then, but only when it is safe to do so. In other words, I like strategically scheduled spontaneity and carefully controlled adventure. Our last several vacations tried my sensibilities. I do think it is a good idea to have new experiences and broaden one’s horizons. I try to do that. However, my bar between “stretching beyond one’s comfort zone” and “reckless abandon” tends to be only a smidge higher than a worm’s belly.

In the fall of 2024, we went to the Great Smoky Mountains. I drove about 650 miles- further than I have ever driven in my life- just to get there. The Airbnb I booked was a mountain cabin. Apparently, I’ve lived in Florida long enough to completely forget how mountains work. A mountain cabin, especially one that boasts a beautiful scenic view, is likely to be at the top of a very steep, narrow, and bumpy road. Let’s remember that this was pre-cataract surgery. In retrospect, I did not have sufficient vision- much less intestinal fortitude- to navigate either the Atlanta metropolitan traffic or a mountain that clearly did not want to be navigated. The trip was wonderful in many ways. The area enchanted me. Still, I don’t think I will ever be quite the same. Any adventure gene I might have possessed decided to resign in protest… or at least to take an extended leave of absence.

In the spring of 2025, we visited Southern California. This was more familiar ground, as I lived there for 50 years. Since we flew to an airport about fifteen miles from our destination, there was not a lot of driving involved in getting there. I did have to get a rental car. This was still before I had cataract surgery. Even though I was familiar with the general area, I had this vague sense that someone had rearranged the furniture in a room I thought I remembered. That could have been simply a matter of modernization and ever-expanding development. Or it could be that I couldn’t see well enough to read street signs. Luckily, my wonderful friends Judy and Bob generously (or with a healthy regard for their self-preservation) offered to drive when we traveled any significant distance.

Finally, after cataract surgery and a season of recovery, we went to New York last fall. I have told you the tale of mini disasters that followed in our wake. Let’s not dredge that up again. I just bring it back into your memory so that you will see that I have been on three vacations that were not exactly rejuvenating.

Most people probably would not look at Las Vegas as a “relaxing” vacation. It is not low key or subtle… to state the obvious. For many people, the idea of going to Las Vegas would be the most adventurous of the past several vacations. However, I was looking forward to Las Vegas mostly for one main reason- abdication of responsibility.

Before anyone starts clutching their pearls of gasps in horror that the Terri they know as one of the most responsible people on the planet turned into a girl gone wild in Las Vegas, let me explain.

For most of our non-Las Vegas trips, I am the point person. I make the decisions. I make the reservations. I do the driving. I do the navigating. I figure out how to do stuff. Max is supportive and encouraging, but the bulk of the emotional load falls on my back. Las Vegas is his wheelhouse. He has been vacationing in Las Vegas for about forty years. He plans early and well. He is confident in his decision-making. It is not that he takes over and doesn’t consult me. He always has me weigh in, as he is always determined that Las Vegas will win me over as the ideal vacation locale.

Also, in Las Vegas, hospitality and customer service are their bread and butter. And they know it. There is always someone who seems genuinely happy to help with anything you need because they know people are paying good money that they could spend elsewhere. The idea is to make you so happy to be there and so comfortable that you keep shoving money into slot machines. Since I enjoy playing the machines for brief periods of time and then get bored, there is no danger of me overspending in that arena. Nice dinners, merchandise, shows, upgraded experiences, conveniences, pampering- probably. Gambling- no. Yes, I understand that it is all still money out of my pocket. Still, it is easier to budget for experiences than gambling. The internet makes it quite easy to know how much pampering I can afford before I ever leave the state of Florida.

Sin City does not exactly live up to its name in Terriland. I do minimal gambling. We avoid the people on the street hawking advertising for more risqué “entertainment opportunities” (read into that what you will- what you are thinking is probably right!)  I have yet to drink myself into oblivion or throw up all over myself. My health requires that I moderate my carbohydrate consumption. Typically, if I have the choice to eat ice cream or have an alcoholic drink, the ice cream is going to win.

This trip to Las Vegas, I must confess, I had two “adult beverages” in four days. I also ate ice cream. I felt very racy. A fair amount of bread and pastry also entered my mouth. I ate things I really wanted to eat but stopped when I felt satisfied instead of forcing myself to keep eating if there was any deliciousness left on the plate. Since I was walking more than eight miles a day, I felt perfectly fine and my blood sugar agreed.

Aside from these venial sins, you could say our Las Vegas vacation was pretty tame. Tame does not mean boring, pedestrian, or joyless. In this case, it was quite the opposite. Tame was the chariot by which beauty, joy, love, and wonder expanded my mind. Because I felt safe and comfortable, I could let myself just be. I didn’t have to make anything happen. I could allow the special experiences to wash over me and fill me with amazement. Here is where tame took me:

We spent a day and an evening with my bestest friend from California and her husband. We enjoyed companionship, a delicious dinner, a lightening show of music by a Billy Joel/Elton John tribute performer, and an excellent breakfast. They drove nearly six hundred miles round trip to spend less than 24 hours with us. Just because we love each other.

We went to a magical immersive moving art museum right on the Las Vegas Strip. The museum consisted of a series of dark, mirrored rooms in which art and lights and projection techniques created a fantasyland that enveloped us into its essence.

We spent a morning surrounded by more beauty at the Bellagio Conservatory. Every season, the hotel revamps the garden in the conservatory to reflect a new story. I have seen multiple renditions of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter over the years. It usually feels like I went up the beanstalk and wandered into the giant’s Fairy Land. This year, we saw floral Easter eggs bigger than cement trucks and a carousel with larger-than-life-size horses.

We visited Venice and took a gondola trip through a remarkably realistic Piazza San Marco. The gondolier sang to us. We kissed under all the bridges. We looked through the shops on the replica Rialto Bridge. I bought a piece of jewelry for myself for the first time in years.

These are just some of the highlights of our tame trip. Tame does not have to mean subdued and broken. Tame can choose to surrender to the moment.

ice cream always trumps alcohol
part of the enchanted forest in the Arte Museum of Las Vegas- he is not only gorgeous, he bounded around us like a real deer!
literally surrounded by beauty- this bridge picture was in the art gallery room of the museum… it was about the size of a full-sized movie theater screen and changed lighting/colors
At the Bellagio Conservatory- the carousel moves and towers over me
Easter egg, anyone?
My favorite part- having my wonderful friends of my heart with us for part of it!

The Great Chasm

I hardly know how to act. A week or so ago, I looked at my calendar and realized that my life has become underscheduled. This is a cataclysmic shift in my Universe.

 I knew this phenomenon was coming. I wanted it. I planned for it. For a long time, I have been trying to capture a season of stillness. I have been telling myself to concentrate on the people most important to me. I have been telling myself that I should only take on commitments that speak specifically to my soul. I have been telling myself, as far as ministry goes, I should only do what only I can do.

The talking-tos I’ve given myself don’t usually land. More often, they crash. There is always someone who needs a little extra love and attention. There is always some activity that sounds interesting. There is always some need that cries out for me to meet it. I get caught in a weird dichotomy. I never think that I am the person who is best qualified to do anything, yet I always think that disaster will ensue if I do not volunteer.

Now that I’ve finally found some breathing space, I was not prepared for how it would feel.

As usual, Lent was a busy time. I had my array of Lenten activities to fulfill. I have also been leaning into a quiet ministry that I feel is my calling right now- providing support one-on-one to people who need love. I know a lot of people going through difficult circumstances right now. I try to be intentional about providing support and tender loving care in a way that speaks a language that the recipient best understands. Also, a very close friend in Florida picked this time to move back to Delaware. I was trying to spend as much time as I could with her and I wanted to participate in all the farewell events leading up to her departure.

As Lent wound down and I finished the planned activities, I realized that I was no longer having to look three weeks forward in my calendar to find a time slot when I wanted to arrange a date for something. I have plans on the schedule, but there ae no longer days when I have the calendar booked with back-to-back activities. I won’t have to break basic laws of physics to meet my scheduled commitments. My first reaction was a feeling of elation. For a few days, it felt so good to know that the wind of life was going to still to a gentle breeze.

Then, I got uncomfortable and flustered. I felt empty. I struggled with some decrepit demons about appearance and worthlessness that refuse to die. Finally, I realized that this reaction is rooted in a wave of insecurity. Some people fly into a flurry of activity because they feel their value comes from doing. The act of completing tasks and achieving and “being important” helps give their lives meaning. I’m not exactly one of those people. In fact, I dislike “being important” and the attention it brings. What I love and crave is connection. Attaching to people and becoming interdependent with them feeds my soul. Relationships are my coin of the realm. More scheduled on my calendar suggests more connections. When my calendar doesn’t feel overfull, I worry that my relationships will disappear. I feel I must force an intentional opportunity to keep me at the forefront of people’s radar screens, or they will detach from me.

If I am being rational, I know that more activity does not necessarily translate to more connection. I also know that the people with whom I am in relationship love me and will still love me even if they go more than a few days… or even a few weeks… without the awesomeness of my presence. I know that I have value and worth to a relationship that does not depend on busyness.

But…

What I know rationally has very little value in a conversation about insecurity. Neither does anyone else’s assurances. The fact remains that I am having an internal experience that is not congruent with reality. I can’t change it. Certainly, no amount of thinking is going to change it. Believe me, I have tried. It does not work. My stubborn heart does what it does. This time, I am not even going to waste the emotional effort of trying to force myself to feel the way my brain insists I should.

So, I go along for the ride. I pray. I meditate. I inventory my blessings. I move my body. I try to get enough sleep. I eat things that are going to make me feel holistically better instead of worse. I am gentle with myself. I surf the wave until it crashes to the shore. It will pass and I trust that I will be okay. I know I will recall the truth of my rational self. I know that God equips me in mysterious ways to be the person He created me to be.

This Lent, I realized I was standing on one side a rickety bridge. Beneath the bridge is a huge chasm of nothingness. The bridge looks shaky and difficult to maneuver. Truth be told, however, the ground on which I am standing- the ground of insecurity- is much more shaky than the bridge. On the other side of the bridge, there is steadier ground- an internal land in which I have a secure foothold on my sense of self and my worth. The other side of the bridge is the land where God’s perspective of me resides.

I would like to say that, during Lent, I courageously crossed the bridge and am happily on the other side. That isn’t quite true. This Holy Week, though, I did take enough steps to truly see the other side and begin to appreciate what living on that side feels like. This Easter, the work of my Lent culminated and the fruit ripened.

At the same time, Easter invited me to continue. Ripe fruit is delicious and I want more.

Dear Blog Readers:

In my last post, I discussed some of my Lenten journey this year. Today, I wanted to mention another Lenten discipline I have been embracing.

Every few years, I use Lent as a time to reflect on my blessings. I like to think of the people that God has put in my life who have positively impacted my spiritual growth. I send a thank you letter each day in Lent to someone who has inspired me, helped me, or just loved me through something.

Today, I want to thank you all. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for making it safe for me to experiment and consider the big issues of life- big issues that are sometimes displayed in the smallest of silliness. It has been such a blessing to have this creative outlet. Sometimes, it has been a veritable lifeline of mental health. At other times, it has been a pure escape to the lighter places in my befuddled brain. The act of writing, in itself, is an excellent emotional processing vehicle. Knowing there are people reading and caring makes it even more effective. Hoping that maybe I am inspiring someone or helping someone feel less alone or even just making someone laugh- these are all dreams of mine.

In short, thank you all for being part of my dream. All my life I have wanted to write, but I never had the confidence to do so. It takes a certain amount of arrogance for me to believe that anything I write could be of the slightest interest to anyone else. That may be why I started using the name Terri LaBonte. Terri LaBonte might have the confidence that Dorry Curran lacks.

Blessings,

Dorry/Terri