Warning: This blog post is rated PG-13. It discusses mature subject matter that might be offensive to some readers.
When I first mentioned moving to Florida to my friends in California, I frequently heard, “But what about the bugs?” Apparently, there is a widespread belief that Florida is a hotbed of insect infestation. I had never really noticed a significant bug problem during my many trips to Florida. I did not factor “bug population” into my decision-making matrix when I considered where I would live in retirement. Still, the naysayers got inside my head a little bit. I do admit that I was a little concerned in the wake of these comments.
We moved to Florida in December. I was pleased to discover there seemed to be no more bugs in Florida than in California. In fact, there seemed to be fewer types of insects than I battled in California. I won’t say there were never any ants, spiders, or mosquitoes. Still, I didn’t experience a big problem. I am a mosquito all-you-can-eat buffet. If there are mosquitoes in the general area, they will swarm around to feast on me. Maybe it is because I am not typically outside at night or hanging out next to standing water, but the mosquitoes seemed pretty manageable here. I do recall once or twice when I ended up with a completely new topographical environment on my arms and legs resulting from standing in the church garden after an evening event, but there was nothing a little calamine lotion could not assuage. The legendary talk of cockroaches the size of Rhode Island was overstated. Even as the weather warmed, insects did not seem to be a substantial problem.
Then, I experienced the semi-annual lovebug swarm.
Lovebugs are tiny, amorous menaces that have no shame. Twice a year, an entire generation of lovebugs rises from their larval state and starts spreading the love for 2-3 weeks. They do not bite. They do not sting. They do not eat things. They just have no sense of boundaries. You never see a solitary lovebug. They mate… and mate… and mate… in mid-air while flying EVERYWHERE. They mate for 3-4 days at a time. I’m not sure if that qualifies as endurance or annoyance. They are known as the two-headed bug for obvious reasons.
As I write this, there is insect porn happening all around us. And, frankly, inside us. I hate to be this gross, but I am positive that anyone who has lived through even one of these events has ingested enough lovebugs to come close to meeting the USDA’s definition of a serving of protein. If you keep your mouth closed, they can still flit into the nose. If you somehow avoid breathing by keeping your mouth and your nostrils closed, there are always ears. This discussion might lead some of you to contemplate other orifices. I hope not. However, I can’t deny that those thoughts have occurred to me too.
One could say that I am being too hard on the lovebugs and their prurient endeavors. I’m sorry, but if you are going to have sex in public, you must expect pushback… even if you are an insect. Also, despite the romantic moniker, I very much doubt the bugs are forming long-lasting love relationships. I don’t think there are lovebug soulmates. For one thing, an entire lovebug life cycle is about 150 days. Once a lovebug leaves the larval stage and takes wing as an adult, he or she has about 5 days left in this life. I think it takes longer than that to fill out the questionnaire on Harmony.com.
Lovebugs may not eat things, but they can still be destructive. Of course, given their preoccupation with the business at hand, they are not very good at staying out of the way of traffic. Since swarms are so large, there is no way for a motorist to avoid running into them (even if braking for bugs was a thing.) Floridians usually drive around with a coating of deceased lovebugs all over their car grilles and windshields for a couple of weeks each May and September. Apparently, arousal produces some sort of acidic chemical in their bodies that is corrosive to vehicles. It is certainly resistant to standard windshield wiper fluid. Washing a car before the end of the lovebug extravaganza is folly; the car will look exactly the same by the time you get back from the carwash.
The good news is that lovebug infestation is a naturally self-limiting condition. All the randy lovebugs will be dead within a couple of weeks. Our current insect orgy is just about finished for the spring. I wish these critters practiced safer sex. The lingering annoyance of a lovebug invasion is that all that mid-air passion leads to a whole new generation of lovebugs to love among us in the fall!
