Month: December 2024

Home For The Holidays

This year, Christmas has not seemed quite so much like Christmas, for some reason. I am not sure what the difference is. I went back to my post Gentle Christmas ( A Gentle Christmas – Terri LaBonte- Reinventing Myself in Retirement  ) from last year because the feeling seems a little familiar. I did have a sense that I might have felt the same last year. In re-reading last year’s Christmas edition, I learned that I did turn a very merry corner in 2023. However, last year I felt hopeful and happy about that change. This year, those attitude adjustments I made last year feel a little hollow.

When I thought about what made Christmas not feel like Christmas, it struck me that the statement was a bit of a mystery. It is like when someone says, “I don’t feel like myself.” If YOU are the one feeling a certain kind of way, surely feeling that “certain kind of way” must be feeling like YOURSELF. If it IS Christmas, then the way I feel must be the way Christmas feels.

In truth, Christmas is not just one thing, and it does not feel just one way. It is not as permanent and unchanging as we would sometimes like to believe.

Some events or traditions that do stay similar from year to year may not continue to serve the happiness of those who partake. For instance, I gave up on Christmas cards this year. It was a hard decision because I care so much about the connection that I have with the people to whom I send cards. However, last year my energy lagged as I plowed my way through the list. It became a chore, and I am afraid that the people whose names started later in the alphabet did not get the attention and thought that I would have liked to give them. I decided on a different way forward.

Some events or traditions that change dramatically may not feel good but that does not mean that they are necessarily worse in the grand scheme of things. For instance, I always miss my mother, but Christmas shines a harsh spotlight on her empty chair. My mother, like her daughter, was a Crazy Christmas Lady. Christmas will never be the same without her. However, when I feel that sudden stab of loss, as I do regularly during the holiday season, I tend to lean into it and live in the memory of her wild and uncontrolled festive reflex. That memory wraps around me and fuels me in a different way than while she was alive. Neither way is better. They are just different. I know my mother has gone home for the holidays forever, but she also left love here for me to celebrate.

I have been thinking about my expectations and paradigms around Christmas. Since I understand, at least in my heart, that Christmas does not have to feel just one way, I wanted to figure out what about this Christmas felt not just different but lacking.

Many people who are going through tough times find Christmas particularly difficult. I, on the other hand, have always looked at Christmas as an escape from the reality of troubled times. All my life, no matter what problems I faced or what hurt I was experiencing, I was able to put it aside and immerse myself in magic at Christmastime. And there was almost always much from which I needed to escape. I was able to release the burden of managing pain and fear for those few weeks each year. Instead, through sheer force of will, I could pretend they did not exist at all. Most people feel some post-holiday letdown, but that letdown could be crippling to me as the real world burst from its fetters and came back to haunt me on December 26th.

I realized that is the feeling that these past two Christmases have been lacking- escape. Here’s the good news- and this realization rocked my whole understanding of myself. I no longer need the escape. I have healed so much from the ugliness that attacked and eroded my soul most of my life, I no longer need to cling desperately to the life preserver a few weeks of delusion in December provided.

Now that I have reached this startling revelation, I am finding it much more comfortable to live with a more diverse paradigm of what Christmas feels like. So, this Christmas, what feels like Christmas for me?

As a Christian, I cannot ignore the fundamental importance of the Incarnation of Jesus. These are indeed tidings of extraordinary joy and, no matter how I feel in a particular moment, it will always be tidings of great joy. In my soul, I rejoice with exceeding great joy.

Additionally, God has made Himself incarnate in a very special way for me over the past week. This incarnation mimics and reminds me of that Great Incarnation of the Nativity in a humble way. The honest truth is that so many people heap God’s love over me. They are God’s love incarnate. I am so, so grateful and joyful for the people God puts around me and the love He gives me in my life   I’ve seen it so generously in the past few days especially. There is no greater “feels like Christmas” than this.

I know that one day I will go home for the holidays forever and it will be a joyful day. Until then, I will continue to rejoice with exceeding great joy that home is where the heart is and my heart lives in the love of my family- both the family by biology and the family by selection!

Merry, merry Christmas! Thank you all for your incarnation! May God bless you all in the coming year.

Terri/Dorry 😊

Does Christmas feel like Christmas to you this year? What makes Christmas feel like Christmas? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Silver Slippers Of The Smokies

I must be an extremely impressionable soul.

As I have discussed, we recently took a trip to the Great Smoky Mountains. While we were there, we visited Dollywood. We also spent a morning shopping in Gatlinburg. I have never been a huge fan of country music. I am not a detractor or anything. I don’t have a systemic hatred of the genre. There are even a few songs that I can identify as favorites of mine. However, country music as a whole never seemed to really resonate with me.

One trip to Dollywood and that changed. I overlayed Tennessee Hill People Culture over my base personality, like one of those “topper” pairs of glasses. The base frames are the same, but there are various “fancy” magnetic covers for those frames that you can purchase individually to change up your look. The core of my personality was still Terri, but I slapped on a set of sparkly, distinctive, “hee hawing” toppers the minute I got out of the car in Tennessee.

I had to stop myself from speaking with a drawl so people would not think I was mocking them. My drawl reflex was not intended to be rude or mocking. I just couldn’t help myself. My delicate ears heard the drawl all around me. My brain somehow managed to translate it and ordered my mouth to respond in kind. It took a lot of intentionality to ignore that command. I spent the entire time we were in Tennessee humming Dolly Parton songs. I even walked around two-stepping with an imaginary partner. I was offended on behalf of the hill people when I looked at goods in “real handmade Smoky Mountain handicraft” stores and saw “Made in China” labels. My GPS got screwed up one morning directing us to the visitor center for the national park. As we slithered our way up a mountain, with no sign of visitors anywhere (actually, no sign of any people at all,) I instinctively knew we were in a “holler” as soon as a saw a couple of rundown houses grouped together and flanked by equally rundown furniture. In an act of solidarity, I left considerable money in jars all over the area asking for help for hurricane relief. I felt really good about it.

The final straw came on our last full day in Tennessee. We were wandering around the shops in Gatlinburg. Uncharacteristically, I was having a challenging time finding stuff to buy. As we passed a shoe store window, a pair of silver sequin ankle boots caught my eye. Now, silver sequin ankle cowgirl boots may be the thing I need least in all the world. However, I could not uncatch my eye. Finally, Max convinced me to go in the store and take a closer look. I went in, hoping to find something about those boots that I hated so I could let go of the whole ludicrous idea that I might actually buy them.

After trying on the display pair in size eight, I loved them. My foot, however, is not a size eight. It seemed especially ridiculous to pay a price upwards of $200 for a pair of shoes that did not fit. Maybe even ridiculous enough to drive the notion from my brain. Max was not to be deterred, however. He asked the sales guy if they had any other sizes. The inventory showed they also had a size seven and a size 7.5.  After some concerted searching, the guy found the size seven, but it was too small. He looked and looked and looked for the size 7.5 before admitting defeat. Feeling like Cinderella leaving without the prince, I tried to find relief at not having to decide whether to spend so much money on such an audacious purchase.

As we were leaving the store, the sales guy found the problem. He explained that the 7.5 boots were the ones in the window. They did not want to sell that pair because one of the boots had one tiny, tiny sequin missing. I never would have known it was there if he had not pointed it out to me. I tried the boot on, and it fit perfectly. The sales guy said he would call the vendor and see if they could send me a new pair in the correct size.

Several hours later, he called me to report that the vendor discontinued the boot. They could not send me a new pair because there were no new pairs. Just as my brain was ordering a dip in endorphins, the sales guy suggested an alternative. After discussing the matter with his manager, they agreed that they would sell me the sample boots with the tiny, tiny, tiny imperfection for about $75 off the sticker price. I thought that was more than fair- especially when Max insisted on buying them for me for Christmas. They are now hidden in a closet here at home, hoping that I will forget about them and be surprised on Christmas. I don’t think that is going to happen.

So, I am soon to be the proud owner of a pair of sparkly silver boots. The only way these make sense is if I am going to become a country western singer or a Rockette. I don’t think either of those things are going to happen either . Still, I can’t wait to wear them!

Have a sparkly day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

What is your silliest purchase ever? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Florida Woman

As of last week, I have been a Florida resident for ten years. An entire decade of my life. I am having a tough time wrapping my head around that fact. It seems like just a moment or two has passed since Max and I encountered the sudden jolt to our systems of moving and turning our world upside down… and sideways.

Just a second ago, we were preparing to celebrate our first Christmas in the South… without family, without friends, without even a Christmas tree. My mother considered this situation to be the eleventh circle of hell. She sent us presents (even though we celebrated an early Christmas at Thanksgiving, before we left California) because she could not bear the idea that I would have nothing to open on Christmas morning. I was 55 years old. She also had Amazon send me a small, pre-lit Christmas tree. It stood, forlornly, in a corner with no ornaments or any additional decoration amidst the boxes and piles of unpacking still taunting me. I remember bracing myself for that Christmas, expecting to hurt and feel bereft to the bone. It ended up not being so bad. Max and I had been so busy and stressed since the end of November, it felt kind of nice to take a “silent night” or two.

In all, it seems surreal to think that time was ten whole years ago. On the other hand, I can look at all the major life events that have happened since we moved to Florida and wonder if there ever was a life before the one I am living now.

  • I had new, meaningful experiences with my mother that built beautiful memory castles in my mind.
  • I celebrated ten additional anniversaries with Max, maturing and enriching our exquisite relationship. We lived through so many shared experiences and so much mutual vulnerability in our new surroundings.
  • I walked with my mother for 13 months on her end-of-life journey after a catastrophic stroke.
  • Four close family members died.
  • I lived through multiple hurricanes.
  • There was a worldwide pandemic.
  • I released three books.
  • I published 412 blog posts, totaling approximately 452,000 words.
  • I’ve petted, fed, and swam with an entire menagerie of land and sea creatures.
  • I’ve healed from past trauma in a way that I never dreamed possible.
  • I lost and gained weight about 1,468 times, give or take a few hundred.
  • I vacationed approximately twenty times, including visits to places I have never been before- New England, Charleston, Savannah, and Tennessee.
  • I revisited the first home I remember in New York and let my soul live there for a time.
  • I converted to a new Christian denomination.
  • I worked as a chaplain, vestry member, teacher, project coordinator, temporary office worker, meal delivery person, and other service positions in a new church.
  • I made numerous friends who I now call “family.”

Put in this context, the perspective is all cattywampus. The ten years no longer feels like an instant. How could all this have happened in only ten years? No wonder it sometimes feels like I must schedule time just to take a breath! Yes, it has truly been a lifetime since we moved to Florida. I have lived that lifetime thoroughly and well.

Have a valuable day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

Do you feel you have lived your life well and thoroughly since retirement?  How so?  If not, what can you do now to enrich your retirement experience?