The other day I googled God, but couldn’t find an email address. I wanted to keep in touch, so I thought I’d write Him a letter and post it on the blog… just in case God happens to be trawling the internet.
I thought I’d write a quick note today to tell You I was thinking about You. How are You? No, wait, don’t answer that. You are Great. Of course You are Great. You are God, after all. At any rate, I hope You are in Your Heaven and all’s right with the world… at least from your perspective. I suppose Yours is the only perspective that is completely accurate. Please forgive me if, down here in the weeds, I sometimes question the “all’s right with the world” part.
A frog fell on my head today. Yes, really. I pushed open the screen door on the garage and apparently dislodged the little guy. He must have been perching on top of the screen. I had no idea that frogs even had perches. Maybe this frog suffered from species confusion. Maybe he was a bird in a prior life. If he was, he forgot he no longer had wings and couldn’t fly. Instead of soaring into the air when I jostled his nestling place, he came crashing down on what would have been the hard cement driveway if my head had not gotten in the way. My head is also pretty hard, for that matter.
I mean no disrespect, God, but was that absolutely necessary? Haven’t things been challenging enough lately without lime green amphibians hopping around in my hair? Did You think You really need to up the degree of difficulty? Or were You just bored and in need of a laugh?
If it is the latter, I hope I provided you with a real gut-buster. I am sure I looked insanely amusing while chasing the little guy around with a broom. Once he bounced off of my head and onto the ground, I regained my senses enough to know that I wanted to make sure he didn’t hop into the house. He was cute, but not THAT cute. I stared down at him, trying to figure out how to get him away from the garage door without turning my back on him. I’m not really sure why turning my back on him seemed like such a bad idea. I’m not a border collie. It wasn’t like my staring at him was going to make him stay put. In point of fact, I have no frog-herding skills. Maybe the already defective visual reasoning part of my brain was still stunned into silence.
At any rate, I ran backwards into the garage to grab a broom, never taking my eyes off the little bugger. He was wedged into the track of the sliding screen garage door, but I was pretty sure he was just waiting for his chance to make a break for it. Amazingly, he was still hanging out there when I returned with the broom. He soon became MUCH more active when I tried to sweep him onto the lawn and away from the garage.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t a very bright frog and didn’t seem to understand that it was in his own best interest to hop in the direction I was sweeping. Instead, he kept jumping up and spinning around in mid-air trying to propel himself closer to the garage. I’m not sure what he found so compelling about my garage. I can’t imagine entering this vehicular inner sanctum was actually the hill he wanted to die on, so to speak. Unfortunately, though, I think he did die for his cause. I must have looked pretty ridiculous dancing around the driveway, broom in hand, maniacally sweeping a moving object. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to redirect it, that critter kept resuscitating and moving towards the door. At a few points, he actually breached the perimeter, but I persevered. I didn’t intentionally kill the frog, but I’m pretty sure he perished in the fight. Maybe not, though. He was a very resilient creature.
So, what have I been doing when not killing frogs? Not much. Certainly nothing as jaw-dropping as my close encounter of the amphibian kind. I am spending a lot of time with my mother exploring different techniques to keep her alert and engaged. I am only marginally successful with any of these strategies. I’ve decided to grade myself on a curve and declare victory based on the smallest achievements. I gave myself an “A” the other day when she laughed and nodded while watching me discuss the day’s activities on a home video of my trip to Williamsburg a few years ago. I am atoning for any unnecessary administrative burden I placed on clients during my career by trudging my way through Medicaid paperwork purgatory. Just a reminder, dear Lord… purgatory is supposed to be temporary, isn’t it? In my spare time, I’ve been sightseeing, literally and figuratively, around various Christian churches. I walk at least six and a half miles to nowhere every day. I go to water aerobics classes and am proud to report that I have become much more proficient at not drowning.
So, God, I hope You are doing well. Thanks for giving me all the people who love me. I’m sure You are busy, so it is great that You’ve sent some emissaries to bring a little of Your grace into my life. If You get a moment between crises in running the Universe, could you please spare a second to bless them all with peace and joy? I’d really appreciate it!
P.S. One more thing, Lord, if it isn’t too pushy to be asking…. Do you think you could keep the frogs out of my hair in the future? As long as I’m at it, the same goes for any other animals. Thanks!
I think God will get my letter even without an email account. I think God is everywhere- even the worldwide web!
Now it is your turn. Have you ever experienced anything so ridiculous that you thought it had to be God’s joke? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have a hoppy day!