You know how people always talk about “finding themselves?” This week, I am off doing exactly the opposite. I am on a quest to lose myself. That’s right. For a few days, I am hoping to lose myself in different surroundings, different activities, and different dining experiences (I’m talking about YOU, In-And-Out Burger!) I am also hoping that, in the process of losing myself, I will find a decent pizza.
At any rate, I’ll be back next week with new content. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves. Better yet… if you are pining for me, consider toddling on over to your favorite online bookseller and ordering a copy of my book, Changing My Mind: Reinventing Myself In Retirement.
Have a purposeful day! It is always good to have a goal, even if that goal is losing yourself.
and I went to the Flower and Garden Festival at Epcot the other day. I love Epcot and I particularly love this
event. There are huge topiaries of Disney characters. There are spectacular floral designs
carpeting the grounds. There are
creative and unusual playground gardens where children burn energy. There is a butterfly garden, filled with
light, lazy aerial ballerinas dancing nonstop through the air. There are different sights and smells all
over the park to entrance the senses. It
is no coincidence that we think of Paradise as the Garden of Eden and Epcot during the Flower and Garden Festival
definitely evokes paradise.
that spring is here, the Flower and Garden Festival got me thinking about
blooming. There was a lot of blooming
going on in Epcot. I’m thinking of
another kind of blooming, though.
think we all go through spurts of spontaneous creative energy periodically in
our lives. We all experience times when
the momentum of our lives become sweet and fertile. We seem to experience one amazing epiphany
after another, each feeding on the one before it. The pieces are clicking together almost
automatically. It seems as though our
lives are enrichening moment by moment.
We may or may not experience success in all our endeavors and I don’t
mean to suggest that it doesn’t take hard work to make something wonderful out
of all this impetus. However, even in
our failures during these times, we are usually happy and satisfied and
confident. There is an excitement and
lushness about living that is completely independent of traditional
success. We are luxuriating in the
moment, thankful for all the unique miracles in our lives.
spurs these periods of renaissance in our lives? I’ve seen it happen when people fall into a
healthy love relationship. It can also
happen when people become parents.
Sometimes it happens when people have careers that reflect their intellectual
passions and work with colleagues who are likeminded. Maybe it boils down to love. When love is in the mix, whether it be love
for a significant other or love for a child or love for an idea, people may feel
safer pushing their boundaries and believing the dreams they normally wouldn’t
even dare to dream.
it seems that loss can also be a catalyst for these periods of exploration and
awakening. Since my mother’s death, I have been experiencing my own personal
renaissance. I’ve changed so much. I am so much more engaged with people and
with the world. I am much more confident
and secure than I’ve been in my life. My spiritual life is more exquisite. I
feel physically healthier than I can ever remember being. I feel like that health shines from the
inside out and makes me a more attractive person. I’m still not traditionally pretty, but I
just don’t care anymore. I no longer
worry about being attractive enough or good enough or anything enough to be
“worth” other people’s attention and approval.
I am just me and I trust that is enough to attract the right people in
my life. There is a sort of centeredness
and peace in my spirit. I try things
that I never would have in the past- publishing the book, singing in the choir,
acting in a play, reigning as Alpha Hospitality Princess, creating art, and
many other activities. I am blooming.
am honest, I think I have to say that some of this blossoming is the result of
the crushingly sad journey I took with my mother during her illness and
death. During that time, I found out
that I am much more complex and multi-faceted than the “me” I always thought I
knew. I also had to learn, through the
grieving process, how to let go of parts of my life that were no longer
you all know how much I loved my mother.
I still miss her sharply and deeply every single day. I would give up every blossom I have gathered
in the past year and a half if it could bring her back- healthy, happy, and living
life with me. Since I can’t bring her back,
I know she is happy that I am using the life and love she gave me to create
something wonderful in my spirit.
painful as it is, maybe sometimes you have to prune to bloom. Especially if the pruning is accompanied by
Have you experienced a period of personal renaissance?
Tell us about it! Please share your
perspective by leaving a comment. In the
alternative, you can email me at email@example.com.
week, I whined about all the difficulties roots have been causing in my life
lately. Removing them seems to have been
the solution to all kinds of problems.
My experiences led me to opine that perhaps roots are the problem.
mother died about eighteen months ago.
She was my rock and my root in this life. She grounded me and helped me grow. Since she died, I have definitely felt a
certain rootlessness. Somehow, I have
not been sure how to be me now that she is no longer around. I have been processing my emotions fairly
efficiently, but this is one feeling I have been avoiding.
essence, I have been avoiding my own roots.
It has been too painful to go down that particular hole. When I do certain activities, I desperately
distract myself from thinking of my mother.
I don’t often reminisce much about our lives together when she was
well. There are some items of hers that
she had with her at the skilled nursing facility which I hid away in a
box. I could not bear the thought of
looking at them. It is a strange
sensation to avoid any aspect of my mother because I was so rooted to her. I would think that it would always be better
to remember than not, even when the memories fill me with an adrift sort of sadness
and purposelessness. Still, there are
certain experiences that I avoid because they remind me that I don’t know how
to grow without my roots. And my roots
fill me with pain when I dig too deeply into them.
how “well” I have been mourning my mother, there is one part of me that just
seems stuck in mid-air by grief. I think
it has to do with permanence. If I can
avoid thinking about this last vestige… this last root… of sorrow, it feels
like my mother could still come back to me.
Of course I know she will not, but part of me unconsciously pretends she
is just on a trip or something and will return to the relationship we had
before her stroke.
other night, I had a dream. I was in the
middle of a large room, filled with many people. I think it was some sort of celebration. I seemed to be in the thick of whatever was
going on in the room. I was cooking and
answering questions for people who needed help.
Everyone seemed to be coming to me for direction. I kept asking people, “is my mother here
yet?” They always replied she was not
there and I kept going with my tasks. I
felt like I was in a whirlwind of mental and physical activity, but I still
seemed to slow down periodically to ask, “is my mother here yet?” Finally, I stopped what I was doing. The whole room seemed to get quiet and
everyone turned to me. I stared straight
ahead, at no one and everyone, and said, “She’s never going to be here again,
is she?” That is the last thing I
remember about the dream, except that I woke up crying deeply and
viscerally. I’ve been exhausted ever
next day, I opened the box of items I brought home from the skilled nursing
facility. I had forgotten what was in
there. Mostly, they were photos that
were on the wall by her bed. It was a
weird sensation to look at them and remember our roots. I remembered the very different people we
were when those pictures were taken, both before and after my mom got
sick. I felt cracked… but not
catastrophic. Even thinking about it
now, I feel my gut sinking and my spirit sliding through a dark, heavy
place. Still, I do have a spirit and it
the pictures I found was particularly poignant.
It was a wonderful photo of me, my mother, and Tinker Bell at the Magic
Kingdom soon after we moved to Florida.
Looking at that photo, I remembered the day. I remembered the fun we had. I remembered laughing and loving. I remembered that I was my mother’s Tinker
Bell always. I remembered the
roots. Right after she died, I could not
look at that picture. Today, I bought a
frame and hung it on the wall.
episode caused me to reflect on the rootlessness I have been feeling. In some ways, I think not knowing how to grow
into me without my mother here is all in my mind. If I am honest, even though exploring the
roots has been painful, I have been growing.
My life is bigger than it used to be.
My life is richer than ever and my heart is expanding all the time. There are lots of reasons for that. One of those reasons is that helping me grow
joyously is my mother’s legacy to me. I
may have been avoiding thinking of those roots, but they have always been
started out this post with the premise that the roots are the problem. I don’t think that is right, after all. Roots may be messy and may need management,
but they are miraculous as long as they keep growing.
What part have your “roots” played in your
life? Are you a stronger person because your
roots are strong or are you a stronger person because you had to overcome your
roots? Please share your perspective by
leaving a comment. In the alternative,
you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’ve been rootless. At least, it feels
that way. One would think, at almost 60
years old, my roots would be getting deeper. On the contrary, I seem to be losing
roots right and left recently.
started in January when I went for my dental cleaning. A few days before my scheduled appointment, I
developed a slight toothache in one of my upper molars. It wasn’t a big deal, really. I kept brushing and flossing, thinking I
might have a bit of something caught between my teeth or sticking into my
gum. I took some ibuprofen, but it
wasn’t too bad. When we first moved to Florida, I had a pain in the same area
but it went away after the dentist prescribed a course of antibiotics.
went for my January cleaning, I mentioned my pesky tooth. The dentist concluded
that I had another infection in the same area. He was pretty convinced that the
time had come for the endodontist to go spelunking down the roots of that
particular tooth. I reluctantly made an
appointment with the endodontist.
endodontist took one look at the x-ray and immediately saw that I had a root
canal on the same tooth in the past. I
had all but forgotten about it, but I remembered the experience when he asked
me about prior work on the tooth. It was
35 years ago, so I don’t think anyone can fault me for not remembering the
details. At first, the endodontist
thought the tooth must have a crack in the root. That would mean a root canal would not
work. I would need an extraction and
related tooth replacement work. If there
was any news less happy than the fact that I needed a root canal, it would
probably be I didn’t need a root canal in these circumstances.
confirm his analysis, he sent me for a cat-scan of my face. It turned out that I had badly infected,
drowning sinuses. Oh… and my constantly freakish anatomy had
been playing tricks on me for 35 years. It seems I had a sneaky mutant extra
root which managed to escape notice when the original dentist roto-rootered the
infected tooth. That rogue root had been
playing hide and seek all this time. In
short, my tooth had been abscessed for 35 years. It just flared up from time to
time. Wow. Great news.
I could have a root canal after all.
the root canal, I felt fine. For about 30 hours, there was no tenderness or
pain or really any discomfort at all.
After the 30-hour mark, however, a small war broke out in my mouth. For about five days, I was miserable. My sinuses drained constantly. My gum throbbed. I had numbness and extreme swelling on the
right side of my mouth and face. I
couldn’t eat anything solid. There were
times I looked like a stroke victim. I
took the antibiotics and iced my face compulsively. I counted the hours until I could take more
ibuprofen. It baffled me because I have had a couple root canals before and I
didn’t remember them hurting like this.
after four or five days, I began to get better.
I still wasn’t good, but I was a lot better. By the time I saw the endodontist for the
completion of Root Canal 2.0, the tooth was back to normal. Normal as in the way it had been for 35
years…. sketchy and skittish, but not causing me any consistent problems. A few weeks of misery and a couple of
thousand dollars later and my tooth felt the same as it had before the root
endodontist, to his credit, did not declare victory. He saw that the gum was still slightly
swollen. He took another x-ray and saw
that a pocket of infection still existed.
He ended up doing a small surgical procedure to open up my gum and
remove part of the root, along with the rest of the infection.
sounds horrible, but it was actually much better than the first visit. After the root-ectomy or whatever you call it,
I had no pain at all. I waited through
the first 30 hours in dread, remembering the previous experience when I was all
hoity-toity over breezing my way through the root canal. Then it happened…. Nothing. Picture me… rootless and loving it!
isn’t just my dental roots that have been acting out. An oak tree in my front yard was attacking my
house. The first day we moved into the house, we took a break from unpacking to
go to the local home repair store for something. When we returned, we saw a garbage truck in
front of our house, along with a huge pile of amputated tree limbs. A neighbor explained. While we were gone, the garbage truck got a
little too close to our yard and accidentally sheared off a large portion of the
tree. I should have known then that the tree was not to be trusted.
entire time we have lived in Florida, that tree continued to be a
malcontent. Everybody else has clean
driveways. Not us. Less than an hour
after sweeping the driveway, we’d find it covered in leaves. Northerners may
talk about the leaves falling in the autumn.
In Florida, there is no such thing as weather and Mother Nature can’t
seem to keep her seasons straight. The leaves fall ALL FREAKIN’ YEAR.
the hurricane, we surveyed our front yard with dismay. Yes, everyone on our street had some mess to
clean up. We had our own private natural disaster area on the front lawn. The tree was still standing, but everything
that used to be on the tree seemed to be covering the yard. I’m not sure we ever really recovered. The fallen leaves and branches seemed to
expand geometrically over time. We’d
work on the mess for a couple of hours and then take a break. Improbably, there seemed to be even more dead
tree vomit to clean up when we started up again. It defies all laws of nature the way that
dead tree matter multiplied.
was a bigger problem, too. Little by
little, the roots from that tree have been expanding and pushing up through the
ground…. And the driveway. We were the
only ones on our block with a split-level driveway. If the tree had its way, that split-level was
going to turn into a two-story model very soon. This all begged the question…
if the tree roots were forcing our driveway ever higher into the stratosphere,
what were they doing to the foundation of the house? It truly was time to take steps.
hired our lawn guy to remove the Tree That Took Over The World. He cut it down and we learned that there is
sometimes sun in our front yard.
Apparently, our tree was causing a total eclipse. He recommended a guy to grind down the stump
to further thwart the root force. The
stump guy ground the stump down to a pile of sawdust. He told us ahead of time that we would have
to get rid of the sawdust ourselves. He
estimated we would have to shovel two to three large garbage bags of
sawdust. Fifteen bags of sawdust and
many sore muscles later, we placed the last of our tree on the curb for the
recycle people. It still seems odd to
look out the window and not see the tree, but I am hoping our efforts will
result in our house remaining affixed to the ground.
think when people say they are trying to get to the root of a problem, they are
barking up the wrong tree. The root IS
more on that subject next week….
Am I the only one who is fighting with her
roots? What are your experiences? Please share your perspective by leaving a
comment. In the alternative, you can
email me at email@example.com.
with the Alpha program at church reminds me again how valuable everyone is. It is a huge undertaking, with many moving
parts and many needs. We should notice and thank the people who step up and
meet those needs. It is easy to see and
appreciate good leaders. They are the
face of the effort. They are easy to
spot. They contribute unique and
wonderful skills. They orchestrate the
whole project with an artistry that merits gratitude. But there are other people who are a bit
harder to see who also merit gratitude.
instance, I have two tall male friends that hang decorations for our Alpha
evenings. Part of my décor is colorful
signs hanging from the ceiling, proclaiming thought-provoking quotations. There is no way that I could hang those signs
myself without a lot of effort and possible bodily harm. My friends are comfortable with ladders. They are both engineer types. They skillfully figure out how to do this job
efficiently and gracefully. They
actually seem to enjoy the process of deciding where and how to place the
signs. These tall guys do a lot of other
things for me, including moving furniture and setting tables, also.
are also people who could not commit to providing a whole dinner for an Alpha
evening, but contribute a bit of this and a bit of that so the person cooking
the meal can concentrate on just the entrée and maybe one side dish. Everybody
sees the cook du jour dishing up the entrée, but not everybody sees the person
who brought the salad or made sure there was plenty of bread and butter.
are so many unsung people who help with clean-up ever week. These angels stay out of the spotlight
washing dishes, putting leftovers away, and cleaning countertops. They may not have glass slippers, but they
are Cinderellas, for sure.
adults volunteer to staff the nursery room so that parents can attend the
sessions. These teen angels regularly
ride herd on several small, squirmy bundles of kinetic energy during the two
hours the Alpha course meets. They feed
them dinner and prevent all manner of disasters. So far, the same number of children
who go into the nursery have left in one piece every week. I think that is quite an achievement, but I
am guessing that most of the Alpha participants don’t even realize they are
there. Out of sight, out of mind.
friends Laura and Kari help with any number of smaller tasks, week after
week. One major contribution has been
their skill and patience with folding. It may not sound like a talent, but I
have to tell you that their penchant for folding laundry has helped me kept
what little sanity I have. I don’t mind washing and drying table linens,
but those linens are supposed to be folded in a strange and wondrous way that
is completely beyond me. Laura and Kari
patiently lay them out and follow the established protocol so that they end up
neatly hanging in the linen closet.
people pray for us. They quietly beseech
God to surround us with His grace and He always does. I know that cadre of people generating
powerful prayer is helping to fuel our efforts.
strikes me that there are unsung providing the backbeat, not just in my Alpha program,
but in a good many life experiences. It
seems to me that almost every undertaking is supported by an army of people who
are quietly contributing without anyone really noticing. In fact, their job is often to make sure no
one notices. After all, if the
tablecloths are clean and tidy, no one pays attention. If they are a mass of wrinkles covered in
stains, everyone notices…. And that isn’t a good thing.
going to make an effort to seek out the unsung and sing their beautiful melody
to the whole world. It may be quietly
and to one or two people at a time, because sometimes the unsung truly don’t
like a fuss or a lot of attention. But
I’m going to make sure their music is heard…. because, even if a person doesn’t
like a fuss, everyone needs to know he or she is valuable. If you agree, I hope
you will find ways to spread the music of the unsung people in your life and
suggest that we might consider joining the unsung choir ourselves sometimes. I’ve found that there is always a myriad of
tasks that need to be done in any project… often tasks that no one ever even
anticipates. Being able to complete
these tasks may not seem to be much of a talent or God-given gift…. Until you
are the one on the receiving end. Then,
it is clear that, as quiet as those unsung musicians are, they are extremely
talented and I am gifted when they show up for the concert!
Who are the unsung in your life? Please leave a comment to share their music! In the alternative, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am not artsy-crafty. I don’t really cook. I don’t believe in ironing. I am about as far from extroverted as you can get.
how did I ever get to be Hospitality Princess for my church’s Alpha course?
Alpha is an international program of
interactive sessions designed to explore the big questions of life and
faith. It was originally intended to
minister to people who would not necessarily identify themselves as churchgoers
or Christians. The target audience has
expanded to include anyone who wants to feel more connected, passionate, and
intimate about the Christian faith. The
program lasts for twelve weeks, meeting once a week. Every session includes a shared meal, a video
about basic concepts of Christianity, and small group discussions. One of the significant hallmarks of the
program is that it should provide a welcoming, low-pressure environment that
organically encourages comfort, trust, introspection, and searching.
The Hospitality Princess is responsible
for making sure the room where the sessions take place is warm and
welcoming. This includes décor and table
arrangement and all things environment.
She is also responsible for either cooking a meal for the Alpha guests
each week or cajoling friends, relations, and people who owe her money to
provide a meal. There is also the small matter of clean-up and laundering table
linens after each session. Then, there
is the hospitality princess’ most important royal duty of all- welcoming
guests, bonding with them, genuinely loving them, and allowing that love to be
When I heard about Alpha at our church’s
ministry fair, I was interested. I read
somewhere that ministry is the place where a person’s skill and passion
intersect with a need of the people of God.
When I was working, I taught leadership classes on a fairly regular
basis. I loved it and I was quite good
at it, if I do say so myself. From what
I understood of Alpha, the approach and techniques sounded very similar to what
I employed in my leadership classes. The
content and objectives were different, but the overall strategy seemed similar. In both situations, the idea is to help
people explore important questions. Both
experiences try to grow understanding and confidence in an environment that
encourages trust, openness, and experimentation. I volunteered to help with Alpha. I thought I could assist with facilitating small
group discussions or something like that.
During our initial Alpha team
organization meeting, our administrator mentioned that we needed someone to
take care of the hospitality aspects of the program (Hospitality Princess is my
self-proclaimed title). When he
described the less tangible needs, like transforming an institutional parish
hall to evoke comfort and coziness, my mind harkened back to more of the
techniques I used when teaching the leadership classes. He also described some
of the more tangible needs, like providing meals. The closest thing to providing a meal I ever
did when teaching leadership courses was supplying the occasional box of
donuts. I didn’t want to subject our
guests to my weaknesses, especially one as profound as cookery. On the other hand, I didn’t want to avoid
volunteering if I was the only one willing.
I said I would coordinate the hospitality elements, if no one else
wanted to do so. I explained the limited
skills I brought to the table, and disclosed the areas in which my talents were
No one else volunteered.
Fast forward several weeks and I am in
the midst of the Hospitality Princess revelries. Despite my many deficiencies, things are
going well. Let me tell you about it.
I am not artsy-crafty.
While I will never be artistic, I relied
on my prior experience to create what I believe is an appropriate
environment. When I was working, I had
this theory about décor for classes and celebrations. I called it The “Essence Of” Theory. Instead
of obsessing and spending a lot of money trying to create specific effects, I
made do with the “essence of.”
Hospitality didn’t have to look like what I had in mind, it just had to
evoke that idea. For instance, if you
can’t have champagne in a federal government workplace, you can have sparkling
cider to make people think “champagne” and “celebration.” If you want to decorate a room to suggest a
beach theme, it might not be practical to import sand, but you can place
buckets and shovels strategically on a beige bedsheet in a corner of the room. I once taught a lesson about the qualities of
a good leader. Part of that lesson
involved an analogy from the Wizard of Oz.
My colleagues and I acted out part of the story. I played Toto. I did not wear a dog suit, but I arranged my
hair into two scruffy ponytails sticking up out of my head. I didn’t look like a dog, but I was the “essence
of” Toto and I evoked the associations people had with The Wizard Of Oz.
I don’t really cook.
During session three of Alpha, I cooked
dinner for over 50 people and no one needed a trip to the emergency room. Not even me.
I have another dinner planned in a couple of weeks. My bar for success for that meal is that I
once again avoid poisoning anyone. I
have reasonable confidence that I will meet that admittedly low standard. I do
intend to declare victory. I have
individuals or groups signed up to handle the other ten nights of dinners. I am certain that these meals will prove much
more satisfying to everyone involved. My role will simply be to support these
folks in their food preparation efforts and applaud.
I don’t believe in ironing.
I found out, to my relief, that the
tablecloths beneath my non-poisonous dinners are permanent press. I’ve laundered the tablecloths several
times. They seem to come out of the
dryer clean. There might be a few
suspicious wrinkles, but they smooth out when I put the cloths back on the
tables for the next session. One could
argue that I really don’t need to launder all the tablecloths every week. However, if I didn’t bring the tablecloths
home to wash, I’d have to hang them in the linen cupboard of our parish
hall. There is a specific,
origami-inspired technique for folding the tablecloths over hangers. It terrifies me.
I am about as far from extroverted as
you can get.
Here we have it. Nothing has changed on that front. I am still about as far from extroverted as
you can get. I do have an overactive
sense of duty and a genuine heart for people.
As a result, my extreme introversion sometimes takes a back seat to
showing people how much I value them. I
am still incredibly introverted, but I see it as my job to make our guests feel
welcome and comfortable. I am still
incredibly introverted, but I honestly want our guests to feel loved and
wanted…wherever they are in their journey.
If I do not engage with them, they will never know what is in my
heart. Such engagement is sweet, but
also takes a lot of energy out of an introvert.
I am still incredibly introverted, which means I am incredibly
tired. On the other hand, things seem to
be going incredibly well.
I’ll ask again. How did I ever get to be
Hospitality Princess? All other
considerations aside, how did the person with the highest level of introversion
get to be the person whose most important task requires the highest level of
I still didn’t get it. Then, our rector’s wife and my friend, Sunny
(some of you might remember her from my post at http://www.terrilabonte.com/2018/05/growing-grown-ups/)
told me about something she experienced months before Alpha started. She said
she had been praying about the program and wondering who would be willing to
coordinate the hospitality elements. It had
been on her mind and on her heart for days.
Then, one night, she felt that God was just telling her “Terri will do
it.” She knew nothing about my
background. She didn’t even know me very
well. She just felt that God had the
whole thing sorted. I would be the
Hospitality Princess, no matter how unlikely. No one ever mentioned this to me
until several weeks into the program.
did I ever get to be Hospitality Princess?
I think I am beginning to
understand. Something our rector said in
his sermon last week seems to apply. God
does not call the qualified. He
qualifies the called. It seems that God
is qualifying me- turning me inside-out, upside down, and sideways. And so, the reinvention continues….
you ever had an experience that you believe is God “qualifying” you? Tell us about it! Please leave a comment to
share your perspective. In the
alternative, you can email me at email@example.com.
Have a hospitable day! And be a princess (or prince) if you are so
in an age-restricted, 55+ community.
“Nocturnal” comes early here.
to think it was a fallacious stereotype that people over 55 ate dinner at
4:00pm and went to bed before the sun did.
Now, I see that it might be a stereotype but it is not necessarily
fallacious. I often go to restaurants
before the evening news. For years,
bedtime in our house has been inching ever earlier. Nowadays, it is not unusual for me to be in
bed by a quarter past nine. As we’ve
established in previous posts, I don’t usually sleep, but I do lay down
on my bed and pretend. I was astonished
this New Year’s Eve when midnight came and I was still conscious.
would think, given the number of years that I rebelled against going to bed early
and rising at the crack of yesterday to get to work, I would be embracing
retirement as an opportunity to stay up late and sleep until noon. In retirement, I could reinvent myself into a
night owl. The thing is, I don’t think
my natural inclinations ever tended towards “night owl.” I wasn’t really an “early bird” either. I was
always more whatever kind of bird it is that flits about from ten in the
morning till three in the afternoon.
Unfortunately, working for a living required a peak activity period of
more than five hours a day. Therefore, I
forced my biorhythm into the “early to bed, early to rise” model most
appropriate for my working hours. Now,
when I can indulge the limited ebb and flow of my energy, I find that my body
is unable to slide into standard Terri time.
a sleep button that is permanently faulty, I also struggle with eating at
reasonably regular intervals. Again,
during my work life, I often ate poorly because I was always too busy to eat
during the work day. It was always a
challenge to balance the needs of employees, customers, supervisors, time-zoned
challenged conference calls, and that feeling of desperation I got when my
diabetes reminded me that I would pass out without an infusion of nutrients. Now
that I don’t work for a living, you’d think I’d be able to better regulate my
eating. Despite my best efforts, I still
struggle with finding an appropriate meal schedule. We often go to a movie in
the middle of the day (don’t even get me started on why we must attend movies
that start before 2:00 o’clock in the afternoon.) Typically, we’ll share a pastry at Starbuck’s
before the movie and I feel fine when the picture starts. Then, when we leave the theater, I feel like
I can and will eat anything that doesn’t eat me first.
I am not the only one that is experiencing this day-shifting phenomenon as I
age. All I have to do is look around me,
especially in the winter months, to see that my timing is trending. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons we go to
dinner so early is because restaurants in this senior-centric area get
ridiculously crowded by 5:00pm. The
choice is to be there by 4:30pm or give up on eating until 7:00. I get too hungry for dinner at eight (or
seven, for that matter), so we go with 4:30. Going to a grocery store before 10:00am is an
enlightening experience. Clearly, the
shoppers have been up with the chickens and are making good use of their time
by doing the marketing. Navigating a
shopping cart along aisles filled with people, walkers, and electric scooters
can be perilous. There is also gridlock
to consider… aisles are often blocked with one too many lanes of cart
traffic. I often wander aisles where
there is nothing I want to purchase, just to be able to make my way from the
back of the store to the front. In the
afternoons, grocery shopping is much more leisurely. I’m sure that going to the store after dark
is like visiting a ghost town…. not that I would know.
I found further evidence that seniors have their own time zone. The wildlife in our community is adhering to
daylight senior time. When we saw the
jaguarundi in the backyard, my first thought was that it was odd that a wild
cat would be up and about in the daylight.
I always thought cats were nocturnal.
I checked Google and found that, while most wild cats are night-dwellers,
jaguarundis are diurnal. They are often
up and at ‘em at about the same time that the local grocery stores bustle with
energy. This makes my community the perfect environment for them.
didn’t think too much about this correlation at first. Then, shortly before Christmas, we came home
from doing errands at around 4:00pm. We
happened to look out the window and saw three raccoons digging for worms or
whatever raccoons do in backyards. I
named them Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer in honor of the season. Santa’s raccoons have visited us a couple of
times since, always at around 4:00pm.
is clear on this point. Raccoons are definitely supposed to be nocturnal. No self-respecting raccoon should be out in
broad daylight. I felt bad for them,
thinking they must be kind of backward. I
thought they might need remedial raccoon lessons. I still didn’t draw any particular conclusion
from their appearance.
Christmas Eve, Max and I were driving around the development looking at holiday
decorations. At 6:00pm- the witching
hour, apparently, in a senior subdivision- we saw a coyote running along the
side of the road. Coyotes are
nocturnal. They are some of the shyest,
most people-averse creatures on the planet.
Living their lives in the dark of night meets their needs.
at 6:00pm the sun was down… just barely.
Still, I don’t think you could really call 6:00pm “night,” could
you? In most places where people are
still working for a living, 6:00pm is a busy, crowded, vibrant time. People are getting off work and going
home. They are picking up children from
soccer practice. They are preparing to
go to a movie or concert or whatever other evening plans they have. For most people, their “real life” for the
day is just beginning.
55-and-over development, 6:00pm might as well be the “dark of night” and,
apparently, the coyotes know it.
Do you find that the rhythm of your life
is changing as you age? Is the “early
bird special” dining and sleep schedule for senior citizens just a stereotype
or do you think there is truth in it? If
so, why do you think that is? Please
share your perspective by leaving a comment.
In the alternative, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am a
Luddite. Practically everyone I know has
been on social media for what seems like a lifetime. My brother and several friends pestered me
about my Facebook unfriendliness. My
mother and Max were on the other side of the argument. In fact, I don’t think I exaggerate much when
I say that Max has always thought that Facebook leads down the road to perdition. Max may not be the best measuring stick of
reasonableness when it comes to internet privacy, but I have to say that I was
not too far behind him when it came to social media. I can’t say exactly what about Facebook
bothered me, but something about it just did not feel right to me.
alone in my bedroom one night, I succumbed to peer pressure. I signed up for a Facebook account. As soon as I did it, my gut seized up. It felt like I was doing something
clandestine and dangerous. I tried to do
a couple of things, just to see if the feeling went away. It did not, so I deleted the account as secretly
as I had created it. Even in those split
seconds, people found me and were confounded when they tried to contact me and
found I had disappeared.
months after my midnight tryst with Facebook, I published my book. I decided that, if I was ever going to face my
social media demons, promoting my book was a good reason to do so. I took a deep breath, had a glass of wine,
and reactivated my account. All of a
sudden, I had a social media presence.
think I’m the only person on the planet who has been reluctant to join
Facebook. Now that I’ve been wandering
around in the nooks and crannies of Facebook for some time, I thought I’d share
some lessons learned.
Facebook is fun.
all, I like Facebook. Color me
shocked. I enjoy connecting with people
from my past and finding family members that I can barely remember. Facebook is a reassuringly low-pressure way
to relate to people… especially people with whom I’m not sure I want an ongoing
relationship. I love seeing people’s
pictures, playing the silly little quizzes and trivia games, marveling at the
cute videos of precocious animals, and pondering pithy quotes. Facebook is a quick way to share pictures
with friends and keep them updated about my adventures. It is also a useful tool for promoting my
book and my blog. I’ve joined a couple
of Facebook groups that have been helpful in enriching my real life.
Facebook is seductive.
spent way too much time pretending to live a life on the internet. When I first began to engage with the
Facebook community, I found myself weighing in on virtually anything anybody
asked and wondering at the wisdom nuggets manufactured for Facebook consumption. I couldn’t seem to detach myself from my
phone. At night, I spent many
what-should-not-have-been-waking hours trawling around the Face-o-sphere. I found that watching cute animal videos and
stalking people I used to know did nothing positive for my sleep problems. Facebook was addicting. I was always afraid that I was going to miss
something exciting if I put down the phone and went to sleep. I did start to
balance things better as the novelty wore off. The bloom was a bit off the
rose. I still seem to be an active
poster and I admit to sometimes rifling through the latest tidbits way past the
time I should be asleep. However, I did
find that the originally time suck effect does dissipate.
Facebook encourages frenemies.
raised to be a polite, kind person. I
was the little girl in elementary school who the teacher asked to help the
child having a hard time fitting in with the others. I am a shy, introverted person, but I also have
a heart for befriending others. I can’t bear to leave anyone out, hurt anyone’s
feelings, or create any kind of unpleasantness.
In other words, my skin is not nearly thick enough nor is my temperament
anywhere near callous enough to be trusted with a Facebook account. It is not that I am naïve or gullible. Well, I am naïve and gullible, but my
internet paranoia is sufficient to keep me from arranging physical meetings
with IRL strangers and sending thousands of dollars to Nigeria.
there are stranger dangers that have nothing to do with physical safety. Within hours of signing up for Facebook, I
was getting numerous friend requests from people all over the world. Many of
these requests were from strange (likely in more ways than one) men. At first,
I was accepting these requests and engaged in some initial conversations. My
profile reveals that I am in a relationship and I always made it clear from the
start that I had a boyfriend with whom I am very happy. Such details did not
seem to deter them. The “conversations”
were stilted and grammatically challenged.
There was something kind of “off” about the language. When I explored around their Facebook
offerings, I noticed that there were some troubling inconsistencies. Many seemed to come from cities that don’t
exist. They often had no friends or all
their friends had names and pictures that seemed completely different from the
image of themselves they were portraying with me. When I asked my new friends
how we knew each other or why they had reached out to me, the responses were
flattering and highly improbable. It
took me a hot minute, but I soon learned to delete these new “friends” and to
stop accepting such requests.
was no harm done by these “friendships,” except to my self-confidence. It didn’t take long for me to wonder how
pathetic my pictures on Facebook must look to inspire so many men to think me
desperate enough to be catfish bait. It took a little bit of soul-searching
before I came up with a satisfying response to my insecurity demons. That response? I really don’t care what Facebook strangers
think of my looks. People I care about
love me anyway.
Facebook shows you a new side of people
you thought you already knew.
first, it was a little disconcerting to meet the Facebook personas of people I
know and love in real life. It turns out
that I do know these people. I know who
they are with me. That doesn’t
necessarily mean I know who they are with others. There were a few friends who seemed to have a
very different dynamic when relating to other folks in their life. It wasn’t that they showed a sinister side of
themselves or that I discovered anything unpleasant. It was just a bit disorienting to realize
that I did not know them as holistically as I always thought I did. While this made me uncomfortable at first, I
soon realized that I was getting the opportunity to form a deeper, more
dimensional relationship with these friends.
It also reminded me that everyone has many sides to his or
her personality and manner of relating to the world. I think knowing this makes me a more
empathetic, curious person.
Facebook is not for the faint of heart (or
the thin of skin).
me, one of the less pleasant aspects of Facebook is that it is a battleground
for drama. People post all kinds of
things. Some people are
mean-spirited. Some espouse views to
which I could never subscribe. Some have
no idea what they are talking about and just spread urban legends. Some get offended very easily and make no
secret of their hurt feelings, which just starts another sortie of firestorm
amongst posters. It can be exhausting
and emotionally dangerous. It is best to learn early not to take anything anyone
posts too seriously. It is also best not to assume anyone’s intent based on how
they come across on social media.
Posting on Facebook lacks many of the subtleties of polite society-
nuances of expression that help to enrich our communication. Therefore, the message that a person is
intending to send can be received very differently. It is usually best to emerge from the
relative safety of the Facebook trenches and engage personally with a poster if
you feel hurt by a particular post. If
you find that you regularly feel annoyed, hurt, or any other unpleasant
emotion, consider changing your privacy settings and limiting your circle of
“friends” to those people who bring positivity to your interactions.
Facebook is no longer cool.
much as I want to believe that engaging with Facebook means I am teetering on the cutting edge of communication
technology, that is not the case. Remember when email was the hippest way to
communicate? Now, people barely look at
their email. And I don’t know why anyone
even bothers with a telephone call any more.
The only way to be sure you relay critical information to anyone is to
text. The same is true for Facebook. It
figures. I finally stick my toe in the
Facebook water and they close the “cool pool.”
Even though I am just starting out in this brave new world of cyberspace
communication, all the cool kids are using Twitter and Instagram. I am still a Luddite.
What do you think about social media
communication? Please share your
perspective by leaving a comment. In the
alternative, you can email me at email@example.com.
Valentine’s Day approaches, this old woman’s fancy is lightly turning to
thoughts of love. To me, a life must
have love to be healthy and hardy.
Without love, I think our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual
well-being suffers. Our spirits become
pale, weak, puny little things that fail to thrive. With love, our lives are robust, multi-faceted,
and always growing.
will be the sixtieth Heart Day I have spent on the planet. They haven’t all been happy. I haven’t always had a special valentine of
my own. I haven’t experienced any of
those “rom com” Valentine’s Days filled with flowers, surprises, and perfect
all, though, I’ve been pretty lucky in the love department.
begin with, I have God. As St. John
says, “God IS love.” How can any
Valentine’s Day exist… or any day at all exist, that doesn’t include a celebration
of the abundant love of my Lord? I am
wondrously and robustly blessed. My life
can be nothing less than a love letter from and to God.
always had the most supportive and loving family and friends. They’ve always laughed with me, held me up
when I’ve been drowning in sorrow, made me feel special, and pointed me true
north when my internal compass wobbled in wild wonkiness. Even in times when I was without a romantic
relationship and felt desperately unloved and unwanted, I have always
been loved and wanted. I was just too
much of a goose to realize it. Max and I
have been binge watching Downton Abbey again recently. In one episode, the cook, Mrs. Patmore sends
an anonymous Valentine’s Day card to her assistant, Daisy. Mrs. Patmore is sure that one of the footmen
is going to send a card to the other kitchen maid and she wants Daisy to have
something to open as well. After much
ado, Mrs. Patmore finally confesses to Daisy that she sent the valentine and
apologizes for instigating an unintended drama.
Daisy thanks Mrs. Patmore, responding that she might not have a young
man, but she has a friend and “that is something.” It certainly is, Daisy. In fact, it is a great deal more than
Valentine’s Day has not been a very big deal in my holiday hierarchy. I send cards, but that’s about it. Even when I was in romantic relationships, my
beaux have always approached the most romantic day of the year as little more
than a Hallmark holiday. The first guy I
dated after my divorce asked me why I didn’t get him anything for Valentine’s
Day, although I had, in fact, sent a card.
The irony, apparently quite lost on him, was that he had done nothing at
all for me for Valentine’s Day. Another
fellow, who I dated for several years, did get me a valentine gift one
year. It was a rain gage. Yes, a rain gage. I think I can claim the distinction of having
received the least romantic gift of all time.
I know everyone has a different language of love, but I think it is safe
to assume that lovers don’t speak “rain gage” anywhere.
and I have always acknowledged Valentine’s Day, but in a pretty low-key way. We
exchange cards. I always get him the extremely sentimental gift of a renewal of
his AAA club membership. I know it isn’t
a rain gage, but we can’t all be crazy romantic fools. Honestly, he would be
very disappointed if I did not renew his membership. His gift to me is usually rolled into whatever
“big” gift has been burning a hole in his present budget. For instance, last Christmas, he got me a
tanzanite ring that represented Christmas, birthday, anniversary, and
Valentine’s birthday for three years.
don’t drag out the trumpets and play a fanfare.
It always feels like we “should” do something special, but we usually
don’t. Neither one of us really like to
go out for dinner or anywhere traditionally romantic because everything is so
crowded and expensive. It is a bit galling to realize you are paying more for
an experience that you could have much more pleasantly on any other day of the
year just to be able to say you are doing it on Valentine’s Day. It is kind of the New Year’s Eve of love. Hardened partiers call New Year’s Eve the
amateur night for drinkers. Maybe
Valentine’s Day is the amateur night for people who are trying desperately to
be good at being in love.
certainly are times when I fantasize about receiving a grand romantic gesture,
especially at Valentine’s Day. For the
most part, though, I am happy to take my love as I find it, on any day of the
year. Our Valentine’s Days are not
exploding with passion like a fireworks show.
I would rather know that I am loved and cherished each and every day
than point to one specific moment in time when the valentine fireworks
ignited. Our Valentine’s Days are
sweeter and less flashy, like savoring hot chocolate.
and I understand each other. We nurture
each other. We enjoy each other. We have
a lot of the same interests and preferences. We introduce each other to
different fancies that become shared eccentricities. For instance, how many 68-year-old men trail
after their girlfriends visiting Tinker Bell in Pixie Hollow? And delight in it?
not always admire the other person’s less-than-pleasant personality quirks, but
we admire the totality of the other person.
The quirks are just part of the package.
Max loves me enough to do just about anything for me, if I tell him it
is important to me. He doesn’t try to convince me why it isn’t important, he
just trusts that it is. In exchange, I
love him enough not to play the “important” card unless it really is. I don’t ask him to do things that I know he
won’t want to do unless it truly is important to me.
am well-loved. And, because I am, my
life is heathy and heart-y!
Do you have a special valentine wish you
would like to send? Please feel free to
reach out to your loved one with a heart-y message by leaving a comment. If you would like to email me, you can do so
I asked you for your feedback about whether or not I should host guest bloggers. Your comments were so flattering and
encouraging. I appreciate your support
more than you can know.
people who responded enjoy the blog the way it is, but were also open to guest
bloggers if I decided to go in that direction.
The clearest message I got was that I should do whatever my heart told
me to do. My heart is still unsure. I want to branch out, but I am reluctant to
let go of the tree trunk. Since this
metaphor is the story of my life and has usually meant that I cling to the
trees with an iron grip, I want to be sure I am not missing an opportunity to
do something that will ultimately make me even happier.
really liked Reader Bonnie’s suggestion about making guest blogs
interactive. I could give the guest
blogger a series of questions to address in writing. Then, I’d read the responses, ask follow up
questions, consider the replies, and then cobble together a post that includes
the back-and-forth… sort of like a written interview. This will likely cause me more time and
effort than just writing the blog piece myself. However, this structure might help me release
control more gingerly than just haphazardly farming out the blogging duties on
a given week. It wouldn’t be as much of
a jolt to my system. Bottom line is that
I’m not sure if it would work, but I’d
still be the one deciding if it worked or not.
you never know until you try. I may
explore this path in the next few months. It makes me feel nervous to even
contemplate this, but I also think it could end up being a very good
thing. Maybe every few months, I’ll
collaborate with someone who actually knows something about something or with
someone who I think is fun and quirky enough to entertain us all.
all, what’s the worst thing that could happen?
I could fall out of a tree?
Are there any topics that YOU would like
to see me explore with a guest blogger?
What fields would you be interested to cultivate? Please share your perspective by leaving a
comment. In the alternative, you can
email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.