Next To Nieveaux- Part Three

Here we go with the third leg of our Next To Nieveaux adventure!

Princess Picclapena Meets Joy

Picclapena and Ezra followed as Chomp led them into the village. The village was a vibrant place. There were sounds and colors and textures everywhere. Picclapena’s nose crinkled at the smell of freshly baked bread as they walked past the bakery. The hard, uneven cobblestones beneath her feet felt sturdy, even as her ankles rolled to accommodate them. She stopped to chuckle at the reflection of the three of them in a shop window.

Ezra looked serene and tidy. Chomp was bursting with enthusiasm. Even his wiggle had swagger. Picclapena was the odd, rag-tail member of this company. Her hair ribbons were long gone. The new dress she had donned for her first public appearance was barely recognizable. When Lady Agnes took it off the hanger, it was exactly the color of fresh spring lilacs. Now, it was more the color of the dirt in which those same lilacs would grow. Her face was smudged, and her stockings torn. The scrapes and scratches on her leg and hands were still visible. In fact, there was a brand-new gash in her right arm that she did not remember even getting. It was bleeding. All in all, no one would ever know she was a royal princess.

Chomp stopped outside a small shop.

“Here we are,” said Chomp. “My friend Joy lives here. I think she is about the most magical thing in our whole village. Perhaps you could take her back with you, although I do not know why she would want to go. Maybe she has some ideas, though.”

As they entered the shop, they saw a woman standing in front of a long table arranging flowers. She smiled when she saw Chomp and stooped down to welcome him. Chomp rushed over to her and threw himself into her arms. He chortled and snorted in glee. The woman peered curiously at the two visitors over Chomp’s head.

“Oh, Joy,” Chomp said, “please forgive my manners! I was just so happy to see you I did not stop to introduce you to my friends. This is Picclapena and Ezra. They are on a quest, and I thought you could help. You see, Picclapena lives in Nieveaux- Inside the Curve, but has wandered beyond the Edge of the Curve. She went chasing a churla and got lost. By the time she realized what had happened, she had been gone too long. She cannot return home unless she can bring back something from the outside world that will make life better in Nieveaux. I thought you might be able to help her find some magic. You are the most magical person I know!”

Joy looked at Picclapena closely. She seemed about to say something when Picclapena yelped.

“Oh, I am so sorry! I have this gash on my arm, and I’ve dripped blood on your floor.”

“Don’t you worry about that, child. You poor thing. Does it hurt? Here, I can take care of that for you,” responded Joy.

Picclapena thought Joy was going to clean and bandage the cut, so she held out her arm. Instead, Joy gently drew her finger over the cut, and it immediately healed. Picclapena gasped. She tried to pull her arm back to examine where the cut had been, but Joy was still holding it. Joy seemed puzzled as she looked intently at Picclapena’s arm. She laid her hand gently on the lavender mark.

“Oh, that. That is just a birthmark. It doesn’t hurt or anything,” explained Picclapena.

“No, I imagine it doesn’t,” mused Joy quietly.

“You really are magic, aren’t you?” asked Picclapena. “I know you would make life better in Nieveaux. You can heal wounds without medicine or tools. Would you come back with me so I can go home?”

“Oh dear, I am not sure I could do that. You see, I have a life here. I have my friends and my flower shop. I don’t know what I would do in Nieveaux.”

“Oh, please! It would mean so much to me to go home. Won’t you come with me?”

“No, I don’t think I can but never mind. Perhaps I can think of something. In the meantime, you are tired and all scraggle-muffin. I wager you are hungry, too. I am sure I can wrestle up something for you to wear from one of the neighbors. Why don’t you take a bath and l get you some clean clothes? I have some chicken cooking in the oven. Please, all of you, stay for dinner. Chomp, I am sure I have some blackberries for you. In fact, I know… why don’t you all stay the night, and I will try to think up a plan to get you home, Picclapena.”

Picclapena was disappointed but was happy to get a hot bath and a hot dinner. She was very hungry and very tired. It had been so long since she left home. She could barely remember what it felt like to have a full belly and a comfy bed and people around her to keep her safe. The idea of soaking in a bathtub and eating her fill and spending more time with this unusual woman was immensely appealing.

That evening, after an enchanting dinner filled with rollicking laughter and easy conversation, Picclapena snuggled into the bed Joy made up for her. She felt warm and cozy, wrapped in amiability and companionship. Picclapena started to realize how safe she felt. For the first time since leaving Nieveaux, she felt secure and free from fear. In fact, thought Picclapena, she never felt this bone-deep sensation of safety even in Nieveaux where everything in her world was designed specifically to keep her safe. Before she had a chance to think too much about this revelation, her eyelids drooped close, and she fell fast asleep in the darkness.

The next morning, Picclapena stretched awake and luxuriated in the sunny rays seeping through the curtain in the bedroom. As she pushed herself up into a seated position, she saw that Joy was sitting beside the bed in a chair quietly stripping thorns off roses.

“Oh, you are awake! I didn’t want to wake you because you have had such a difficult few days, but I was starting to worry. I must say, I was worrying for nothing, though. You look wonderfully well-rested and happy,” marveled Joy.

“Yes, I feel fantastic. Thank you so much for letting me stay here and for the dinner and for everything.”

“I am glad to have you. Truly,” Joy replied. “Chomp is playing in the backyard and that Ezra fellow who was here with you asked me to tell you that he had a few things to do but will be back a little later. I am happy to have a little time to ourselves because I wanted to tell you something. I have decided to come back to Nieveaux with you after all. I am not sure how long I will stay, but I will go back with you so that you can go home.”

Picclapena jumped out of the bed and threw her arms around Joy.

“Oh, thank you! Thank you! That is so good of you. I don’t think I have ever met anyone as kind of you.” Picclapena began to cry with relief and gratitude. “But what changed your mind? You seemed so against the idea last night!”

“I was just thinking about everything last night and decided I wanted to help you more than I didn’t want to go to Nieveaux. I had a little girl once. Her name was Penny. I would like to think that, if my little girl were in trouble, someone would be kind and help her.”

Picclapena paused. She wanted to know what had happened to Penny but didn’t like to ask. Joy looked so sad. “I am sure Penny was a lucky girl to have a mother like you. Thank you so much! When shall we go?”

“The sooner the better so I don’t have a chance to change my mind!” laughed Joy.

As they were talking, Chomp came barreling through the room with his mouth full of blackberries. He plopped down next to the bed and began eating. Picclapena and Joy had a breakfast of fresh blackberry muffins and cambric tea. They were ready to leave.

“Shall we wait for Ezra, do you think?” asked Picclapena.

“I think we are good to start out on our own. I am certain he will catch up with us,” replied Joy.

“Yes,” said Picclapena. “He does have a way of appearing at the right times. Let’s go. How will we know which way to go to get to the Edge of the Curve?”

Joy laughed. “There is only one road to Nieveaux, and I have been to the Curve thousands of times. We will be able to find our way with no trouble at all.”

Next To Nieveaux- Part Two

Here’s the second installment of Next to Nieveaux, for your reading pleasure!

Princess Picclapena Breaches The Curve

Picclapena looked at Ezra skeptically, but his face seemed to reveal no trace of guile. Well, she thought, what could it hurt to just go outside for a moment? And the churla was indeed extremely cute. She hesitated and then made up her mind.

“Okay,” she said. “How do I do it?”

“You just do it. Watch.” Ezra stretched his arm beyond the Curve, and it seemed to penetrate an invisible plane.

Picclapena gathered all her courage and stuck her right arm through the plane. Ezra smiled approvingly. Then, his eyes got bigger, and he seemed startled.

“What is it?” asked Picclapena.

“Uh, nothing, nothing. I just thought I saw something on your arm when you pushed it through the Curve. No problem.”

“Oh, yes. That is just a birthmark.” Picclapena pushed the right sleeve of her gown up above her elbow and showed Ezra a small, cross-shaped lavender-colored mark.

“Yes, yes. I see that now. Do you want to go further before that churla runs away?”

Picclapena, momentarily distracted from her task by the observation of her birthmark, took another deep breath. She wrinkled her forehead, scrunched up her nose, closed her eyes, stamped her foot, and plunged through the plane.

When she opened her eyes, she found that she was Outside the Curve. She had not really expected it to work, but there she was. She looked around curiously. The first thing she noticed was that there was no snow on the ground. Next, she saw a clump of trees growing nearby. They looked so solid. The roundness of their trunks, the roughness of their bark, the subtly assorted colors that covered them- everything about the trees was so much lusher and more nuanced than the trees in Nieveaux.

In that moment of distraction, the churla had scuttered away. Disappointed, Picclapena looked around her for someone to advise her on what to do next. She looked towards the Curve but could no longer see Ezra. In fact, to her dismay, she could not even see the Curve. She stood on the green ground under the trees, trying to figure out what to do… and trying desperately not to cry. She stood there for a rather unreasonable amount of time waiting for someone to come by, but nobody happened to cross her path.

As she waited, Picclapena noticed that something strange was happening. The sky, which had been just as bright and blue as the sky in Nieveaux earlier in the day, was changing. Cotton candy colors swirled around the clouds. The colors and the play of the shapes in the air made Picclapena think of a kaleidoscope she played with when she was very young. The colors in the sky, though, were so much softer, warmer, and more amorphous than the garish, sharp-edged tones in her kaleidoscope. In fact, the colors in the sky were more than just colors. They engaged more than just Picclapena’s eyes. They immersed her. They danced in the air like graceful ballerinas. Picclapena wanted to fling her arms into the air and join their corps. She thought she could almost hear the notes and themes of a sweet, pure, exquisite symphony wafting gently like visual music from the sky. As Picclapena watched the beautiful color ballet, nothing else seemed to matter beyond the glory of the sky.

Soon, though, the colors faded into a dull grey. As the sky darkened, the evening grew cold. Almost before she realized it, Picclapena noticed that the sky was black. She could not see well enough to find her way back to the Curve. She realized she was hungry and tired. She fished around and found the cookie she always kept in her pocket in case of emergencies. She started eating the cookie while she thought about how she could find her way back to Nieveaux. Just as she was eating the last crumbs of her cookie, she spied a churla a few feet ahead of her. The churla’s bright white fur seemed to glow, providing a sort of beacon to light the path ahead of her.

Picclapena inched her way towards the churla. When she got close to it, she exclaimed, “Oh, you cute, dear little thing.” She reached out to pet it. Suddenly, the churla’s white fur turned a bright pink color. The churla smiled a terrible smile, revealing pointed, serrated teeth. The churla reared back to hurl itself at Picclapena, who screamed and turned to run away.

“There really is no sense in that,” said Ezra, as he stepped between Picclapena and the churla. “Churlas are much faster than you could ever hope to be. Best not to rattle them to begin with. Once they have a notion to attack, it is not easy to put them back in their place. Look what’s coming now.”

Picclapena looked and saw a whole colony of vibrant pink churlas approaching. Panicking, she began to climb a nearby tree. Ezra nodded approvingly. “That’s the ticket,” he said. Churlas are afraid of heights. He did not seem particularly bothered by the churlas himself.

“What are you doing here?” Picclapena yelled from the tree. “Where did you come from? You were there and then you weren’t. I didn’t know where you had gone.”

“No, dear. You were there and then you weren’t. I stayed exactly where I was.” Ezra looked up at her in the tree. The churlas, seeing there was no chance for a quick meal of organic princess, decided to go in search of easier prey. The color of their fur transformed back to brilliant white. “So, you can’t stay up there forever. What are you going to do?”

“I want to go home!” Picclapena cried, as she scrambled down the tree trunk. As she did so, she scraped her shin on the jagged bark and exclaimed in pain when she saw thin stripes of blood seep from her skin.

“Well, it is not that easy,” replied Ezra. Now that you have been outside the Curve this long, you cannot just go back home. At least, not right away. You have to earn your way back in. You must first find something to bring back that will make life better in Nieveaux.”

“You mean, I have to find some kind of magic to get back to Nieveaux?” asked Picclapena.

“I never said anything about magic. You just need to bring back something that will make life better in Nieveaux.”

“What could there possibly be out here that is better than Nieveaux? It is scary and dangerous out here.”

“True enough… maybe you are right. Maybe there is nothing better out here. Surely this green grass isn’t better than the snow-covered ground in Nieveaux. Surely the everlasting light in Nieveaux is better than the night here Outside the Curve. And you have the royal orchestra in Nieveaux to play music. Surely, that is just as good as the symphony of the sunset?”

“Well,” frowned Picclapena doubtfully, “I suppose those things out here are very nice, but I am not sure they are worth it. Those churlas are scary!”

“Yes, but sometimes something wonderful lies just below scary,” Ezra mused. “I’m not sure that’s the case with churlas, but why don’t you do some exploring and see what you find out here Next to Nieveaux? After all, you cannot go back home until you find something of value to bring with you. You might as well get started”.”

“But there is this strange darkness, and I can’t see where I am going and I am very tired,” protested Picclapena. “Will the light ever come back to the sky?”

“Yes, in ten hours or so, it will be morning, and the light will return to the sky. You will see the path before you clearly. In the meantime, you might want to rest and gather strength because you are going to need a tremendous amount of power. It is an arduous task to find something wonderful to bring back to Nieveaux.”

“Maybe I should wait until the sky lights up again. But then I will have lost ten hours that I could have been searching! What is the wisest thing to do?” asked Picclapena.

“What do you think is the best thing for you to do?” asked Ezra.

“I don’t know! I just don’t know! That’s why I am asking.”

“You know better than I do what the best thing for YOU to do is. You are the expert at you, not me.”

“I’m sorry, Ezra, but that is not much help. If I am the expert in this situation, we are both in trouble.”

“You are much more competent than you think. Truly. The wisest thing to do is the best thing for YOU to do. You must proceed at your own pace. If you push ahead before you are strong enough to start the quest, you won’t make as much progress. On the other hand, if you are ready to move forward but postpone, you will meet with frustration and despair of your wasted opportunities. You decide.”

Picclapena and Ezra stood in companionable silence in the dark. Picclapena scowled and pondered hard. Ezra let her.

“I think I will go back up in that tree until morning so those vicious little churlas can’t get me. There was a handy little notch in the branches up there that will give me a place to sleep safely. Then, when the sky lights up, I will start trying to find the magic to bring back to Nieveaux.”

“That sounds like a sensible plan. Remember, though, you do not have to find anything magic to bring back to Nieveaux- just something that will make life better there.”

“But isn’t that a kind of magic in itself?” asked Picclapena.

“Yes, I guess you do have something there. Anyway, good night.”

Ezra turned and began to walk into the darkness.

“Wait, wait… where are you going?” cried the princess.

“Oh, I’ll be around if you need me. I am just going to do a few things.” Then, Ezra was gone.

Picclapena climbed into the tree and arranged herself in the notch as comfortably as she could. The tree was hard and unforgiving. The bark was rough. Her hair caught on branches and leaves as she tried to snuggle into a familiar sleeping position. Shifting and wiggling, Picclapena realized how much she missed the satin pillows and quilted blankets on her cuddly, bouncy bed in the palace. As she stared out into the dark, clouded sky, she felt sobs simmering in her gut. Tears began to ooze from her eyes and the pain in her stomach started spreading through her ribs and heart. Her sides started pressing in on her and her throat tightened. The sobs constricted to make their way into her head. When they finally released themselves, they were tight, dense, and sharp-edged. She sobbed into the night, but no one could hear her.

Just as the sobs were wearing Picclapena out and exhausting her to sleep, a cloud passed over the sky above her. In the wake of the cloud, a skyscape of stars appeared. Picclapena had never seen how brilliantly the stars could sparkle when piercing through a pure black sky. Her sobs subsided and her eyelids fluttered closed.

When the sun woke her the next morning, Picclapena clumsily climbed down the tree. She was not sure how to proceed with her quest. She felt rested, but hungry and empty. She had no real idea how to start searching for magic to bring back to Nieveaux, but she was fairly certain that she would not find it sitting in a tree. She heard the noises of a community in the distance and began walking towards them. As she walked away from the trees, further from the Edge of the Curve and further from Nieveaux, she saw a small village. She headed purposely towards the village, hoping to find food and guidance. She was certain that anyone would surely assist her when they learned she was the Princess of Nieveaux.

When she got close to the village, Picclapena hesitated. She felt anxious and shy about approaching anyone in the village. Supposing the villagers were not willing to provide help to the Princess of Nieveaux? Supposing the villagers had never heard of Nieveaux? What would happen? She paused by a small creek near the village. She found that she was quite thirsty, so she sat down and cupped her hands to gather a drink of water from the creek. As she drank, she realized she had never been so thirsty in all her life. She drank and she drank, and she drank until she could drink no more, but she was still thirsty. When she paused to catch her breath, she noticed that her arm was throbbing. There were some brambly bushes by the side of the creek. She looked closer and saw that they were thorny and tangled. However, at the very center of the brambly mess of bush, she saw that there were some shiny, luscious looking blackberries growing. The berries were almost as big as Picclapena’s fist.

Picclapena gingerly wove her hand amongst the brambles to pick a blackberry. Each time she tried; her hand caught on a thorny vine. Her skin caught and tore each time she pushed forward towards a blackberry. The streaks on her hands began to sting. They made angry lines on her skin. Picclapena began to weep in frustration. She sat cross-legged next to the blackberry bush and cried in despair. She was so intent on crying, she did not notice that she had company in the blackberry thicket. Finally, she heard a cooing noise and looked up to find a whole flock of churlas staring at her. One by one, their brilliant white fur changed to bright pink. Many of the churlas already eyed her greedily, their mouths open to bare their deadly teeth.

There were no trees in sight and Picclapena had no idea how to escape. She wondered if she really even wanted to escape. This world outside Nieveaux was dangerous and scary. She was far from home. She was hungry and thirsty. She was alone. There was nothing for her anymore. Maybe it would be best if she simply sat still and let the churlas get her. She had just about made up her mind to succumb when one of the still white churlas turned away from her and towards the other churlas. This lead churla made a snarling noise and the other churlas shrank away. Once the others had all disappeared, the lead churla turned back to face Picclapena. He cooed and gurgled menacingly at her, slinking towards her. Then, he climbed onto her lap and snuggled against her body. He let out a final grunt of satisfaction and curled himself into a ball as he fell asleep cuddled against Picclapena’s abdomen.

Picclapena did not know what to do but she reasoned that it probably was not a clever idea to wake a sleeping churla. She sat quietly, pondering her options, and trying to evolve a plan. She was still very hungry and very thirsty. She still had no idea how to find any magic to take back to Nieveaux. She still did not know if the people in the village, if she was ever able to escape the churla, would be friendly or not.

The churla eventually awoke.

“Hello,” said the churla.

“You talk?” exclaimed Picclapena.

“Of course I talk. I am a churla.”

“I didn’t know churlas talked,” explained Picclapena.

“Of course you didn’t. No one does. No one ever gets close enough to find out that we talk. Not that I blame them. Most of those churlas are not very nice.”

“I’ll say! Churlas have almost eaten me twice in the last couple of days! I am so scared of them. They are so dangerous and ferocious!”

“Oh? Am I so dangerous and ferocious?” asked the churla.

“You don’t seem to be… but why aren’t you trying to eat me?”

“Not all the churlas are the same, little girl. You are right about most of them. They look adorable, but once you get close to them, they transform. There is a poisonous substance that ignites in their bodies when they attack. It turns their fur pink. They tear their prey to bits with their sharp, serrated teeth. The poison that turns their fur pink also paralyzes and poisons their prey. There is a strain of mutant churlas, though. We do not have the gene for producing the poison. We hang out with the toxic churlas for protection, but we do not attack. We eat blackberries, not people.”

“Oh my! I am lucky you were with that flock of churlas, aren’t I? Thank you so much! Why did they leave when you turned to them?”

“That’s easy. In churla culture, we mutants are considered the Wise Ones. The toxic churlas are afraid of us. We know them for what they are, so they want to avoid us. We move from flock to flock, being as inconspicuous as we can. Then, when something happens like today, we reveal who we are to the toxic flock. Truth be told, most toxic churlas believe we are as poisonous to them as they are to you. I am not sure if that is true because I never tried to poison any of them.”

“I don’t know what to say!” exclaimed Picclapena.

“Why don’t you start by telling me your name, little girl?” suggested the churla.

“Oh, I’m not a little girl. That is, I am a little girl, but I am also the Princess Picclapena of Nieveaux,” explained Picclapena.

“Never heard of it. I’m not even sure I know what a princess is, but you are welcome to hang out with me anyway. My name is Chomp. It is irony. I don’t chomp.”

“Yes, I see. I am pleased to meet you Chomp. I hope we are going to be great friends.”

“I am sure we will be. For right now, I would sure love to have something to eat. Do you happen to have any blackberries?” replied Chomp.

“Now that you mention it…” began Picclapena, looking ruefully at her tattered hands. “There are tons of blackberries in the brambles over there. They look so luscious. They look much bigger than any blackberries I have ever seen. I am so hungry and the water from the creek did not slake my thirst. I have been trying so hard to gather blackberries, but all I have been able to do is shred my hands.

“You are in luck,” responded Chomp. “Mutant churlas are expert blackberry hunters. Our bones are pliable so we can squeeze ourselves into tiny areas away from thorns. Our skin is tough and resistant to prickles. If we do hurt ourselves on the brambles, we heal immediately. Let me get us some blackberries.”

Picclapena watched as Chomp wiggled under the brambles and disappeared into the thatch. When he emerged, he carried a large blackberry in his mouth. He left it at Picclapena’s feet and went back to retrieve a blackberry for himself. They ate their meal companionably. Picclapena found that the blackberry completely satisfied both her hunger and the ever-present thirst. When they finished eating, Picclapena stretched out on the grass, relaxing for the first time since she ventured Outside the Curve. With Chomp to protect her from the toxic churlas, she felt safe. Chomp snuggled next to her. Picclapena told him the whole strange story of Nieveaux and the Curve, Ezra, and her quest, and all the things she ever wanted to tell anyone. Chomp listened quietly until they both fell asleep.

When Picclapena woke up, she saw she was not alone. Chomp was still there, but Ezra had also appeared.

“Hello,” she said. “I wondered when you would show up. You said you would be here when I needed you. I kind of needed you yesterday.”

“You look okay to me. Looks like you found a friend,” Ezra observed.

“Yes, this is Chomp. He is a mutant churla who eats blackberries. He saved me from a flock of toxic churlas. He’s my friend now.”

“Good. I knew you would be fine. You have resources. You have skills. You should be proud of yourself. What’s next on the plan?”

“I still need to find some magic to bring back to Nieveaux. Chomp is pretty magical, but I am not sure if having a churla- even a mutant one- in Nieveaux would really make life better. Maybe Chomp has some ideas on where I can look.”

“I’m right here,” Chomp muttered at them. “Yes, I have some ideas. It has to be up to you to figure out what you want and get it, but I may be able to point you in a direction.”

“The right direction?” asked Picclapena.

“Maybe. That rather depends on you, doesn’t it?” Chomp replied crossly. He gurgled irritably. Churlas, even non-toxic ones, do not like being woken from a nap.

Ezra smiled and nodded. “I think you are exactly right, Chomp. It sounds like a great adventure, though. A churla and a princess on a quest for magic. This I have to see. Do you mind if I come along?”

“I think perhaps you had better,” answered Picclapena.

Have an adventurous day! See you next week..

Terri/Dorry 🙂

Reflections In The Desert

I said in my last post that the trip to Las Vegas provided an opportunity for me to shed my default perceptions about myself and explore some new possibilities. Or, at least, I said something like that. The world around me in Las Vegas was so dramatically different from where I routinely live, my pre-programmed brain pathways went all wackadoodle. Because I was unable to rely on those pre-programmed thought processes, my brain had to figure out whole new ways of thinking about the world and about myself. The trip was another dramatic and somewhat disconcerting episode in the “I have turned into a completely different person” saga I have been living the last couple of years. I have become so extra. I was weird before, but now I’m even weirder- but I am largely unabashed about it now.

It all started on the plane ride. I was sitting between Max and a strange guy. When I say “strange,” I mean “unknown to me” as opposed to “odd” or “sketchy.” Even though he wasn’t odd or sketchy, I was still anxiety-ridden. My biggest fear is being trapped in the middle seat of an airplane with a chatty stranger sitting practically in my lap for four and a half hours. Usually, I employ whatever strategies I can concoct to ward off people like this, especially men. That was my initial reaction this time, too. I soon realized I was using way more energy to resist the attempts to engage that I would use if I just allowed the conversation to unfold and trust myself to cope with it. I changed tactics. I answered his questions and asked some questions of him… just like a normal human being. I realized that this man was purposely engaging with me to chat rather than avoiding contact with me because I am so repulsive and off-putting. Recognizing that truth made it much easier to go with the flow.

Later that evening, we went to a Neil Diamond tribute show. We had excellent seats, and it was a small venue. The performer seemed to be singing right to me. Normally, I would have felt uncomfortable and embarrassed. I would have tried to shrink into my seat. This time, though, I leaned into the moment. I smiled and let my body move in time to the music. I enjoyed the attention… or, at least, my perception of attention. Either way, I had a great time.

The next evening, we went to a Bee Gees tribute show. We had great seats, but this was a larger venue and I doubt the singers were identifying too many individual audience members. At one point early in the show, the performer playing Robin Gibb interacted with the crowd to learn how far people had traveled to see the show. The winners were a table of 6 or 7 Brazilians at the back of the theater. That point was going to become more important later in the show. Towards the end of the concert, the performer playing Maurice Gibb began exhorting people in the audience to come up to an area at the foot of the stage to dance. He ran over to that space, which he dubbed “Club Mo.” The band began playing “You Should Be Dancing.”

I initially experienced a brief rush of desire to go join Club Mo. It was a faint stabbing somewhere below and to the right of my stomach. It might have hit me on one side of my large intestine. My reaction to that impulse was fear and horror at my own audacity. At any rate, I immediately squelched the idea because it “isn’t something I do.”  The table of Brazilians immediately sauntered over to Club Mo. Really, they danced their way over, moving gracefully and rhythmically from the far corner of the room all the way to the front. Their movements resembled a combination of a conga line and a carefully choreographed ballet sequence. A few other people hesitantly got up to dance under the neon “Club Mo” sign at the front of the showroom.

My squelched desire to join the dance brigade unsquelched itself. I had an absolute compulsion to get up and enter the Bee Gees mosh pit. I wanted to join the dancer brigade but was worried that it would look weird. That scary stuff ran through my mind in about a nanosecond. On instinct and self-acceptance, I rose from my seat to join the Club Mo dancing. I’d say there were about thirty of us dancing at the front of the showroom. The Brazilians made me feel super welcome. Every time I turned away from their little group, one of them would tap me on the shoulder to rejoin their circle. Max was grinning and pumping his fist at me. There was no alcohol involved in this little episode, but the whole thing was such a rush. And so unlike me.

The next day, I noticed some pretty bracelets in a store. They had various versions of the same bracelet, with different words engraved on them. They highlighted different words- “thankful,” “courageous,” “faithful,” “strong,” etc. I was trying to pick between them. I felt drawn to “happiness,” but kept redirecting myself to one of the more virtuous ones. I had it narrowed down to “faithful” or “thankful,” but part of me still nagged to opt for “happiness.” I finally realized I genuinely wanted the “happiness” one, so I bought it.

On the plane ride home, I realized what a metaphor that bracelet dilemma was for my life. I’ve never felt I was simply entitled to happiness. The only way I thought I might be deserving of some glimpse of happiness was if I earned it by being good. Of course, being virtuous does not mean I am going to be happy. And I do not have to be virtuous to merit happiness. I do get a lot of satisfaction from trying to manifest the virtuous attributes engraved on those bracelets, but those virtuous attributes are not, on their own, some sort of happiness-attracting talisman. When I started thinking through all this, I started to cry… mostly because it felt so good to realize this is a “depths of my soul” kind of way , but also because I was sad for the me of the past who didn’t understand it.

So, you see… travel, even to one of the most artificial cities in the world, does expand the open mind and authentic spirit. The reflective life in Las Vegas may not look like what most people think of as a spiritual retreat in the desert… but that doesn’t mean it can’t be one!

What weird place have you discovered some profound truths about yourself? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Have a happiness day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

We all deserve happiness!

Personal Agency

In last week’s blog, I mentioned that I have ignored potentially dangerous behaviors in my work life and in personal relationships that I knew I should address. In my attempts to avoid upsetting anyone, I pretty much accepted whatever situations into which I wandered. For some reason, it never occurred to me that I had any power to improve any circumstances of my own life. It did not occur to me that I could leave a situation. It did not occur to me that I could draw boundaries. It did not occur to me that I could rewrite my own narrative.

Let me cite some examples to give you an idea of what I mean.

In my work life, the government paid me to serve the public. Because of the nature of my position, my customers were often not at their best.  I was an excellent employee, embracing the idea of service… to a fault. Most professionals with whom I worked lauded my level of professionalism, efficiency, accessibility, and genuine desire to help. I was proud of my approach to the job and I value that legacy. However, if I am honest, I think I behaved the way I did only partly because of kindness, empathy, professional pride and integrity. A good part of my super-performance was my desire to avoid conflict.

I did not consider whether a request was reasonable or even possible. I did not just go the extra mile. Sometimes, I traveled a marathon of extra miles while dragging the wreckage of my own sanity behind me. I contorted my physical, mental, and spiritual health into a raggedy tangle of anxiety in my attempts to do what other people wanted. 

I did not consider the demeanor and cooperation of the customer. Sometimes customers were flat out abusive, even in the face of my unbelievable efforts to give them what they wanted. I remember one person telling me that she hoped I would be cursed with seven years of tragedy. Another customer tore the eyes off my pet rock when I went to the photocopier.

It was not just customers, either. I somehow had this idea that if an employee- or especially a supervisor- asked me to do something, it must be something possible and I had to figure out a way to accomplish the task. I never thought about pushing back with the reasons why the requested action was impossible within the constraints of my set of circumstances.

Even in volunteer activities, I still felt that my own needs and wants were immaterial. If anyone else had any sort of expectation of me at all, I would subjugate even critical needs of my own.

What is incredibly weird about all of this is that others did offer me opportunities to make decisions that would be good for me- delegating more work, refusing the assignment, setting reasonable boundaries with customers, and developing a work-at-home schedule to minimize the stress of an ungodly commute. I somehow thought that taking advantage of any of these options would make me weak or lazy. I did not feel that my worth was sufficient to merit these sorts of adaptations.

In my personal relationships, it was even worse. When my husband left me, the break was not clean. I spent months waiting for him to decide if he was coming back. It never occurred to me that I could be the one to decide that he wasn’t. In another malignant relationship, which I was ending, I let the man continue to engage me by responding to his requests for assistance. It took something dramatic for me to finally stop entertaining contact with him. Sometimes, when one of these dangerous relationships ended, I would have nightmares that the man was attacking me with a knife. It was my dream, but my dream self did not think to grab the knife from the guy and turn the tables.

Even in good, healthy, loving relationships, I struggled to ask for even the smallest, most minimally intrusive adaptations to my needs and wants.  I couldn’t even tell people who clearly loved me and valued me that I wanted something from them.

I did not even initially connect the real me to my own blog. I imagined a “creative name” in order to write in anonymity and to avoid hurting anyone else’s feelings. It took me over two years of writing a weekly post to reveal my actual name and own up to who I truly am. 

For most of my life, I have been acting like I was couch-surfing on a life that didn’t belong to me. I lived quietly, timidly, non-intrusively. I did everything in my power to be as little trouble to anyone as possible because I believed my mere existence was more than sufficient inconvenience to the world. When I think about what I might have wanted or needed in the past, the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers” comes to mind. A person who is living on a friend’s couch really can’t be asking for a duvet. So, I didn’t ask. I simply accepted what came my way and was grateful for it.

A lot of the shift in my understanding of myself and my value and my ability to create happiness in my own life came about because of my life coaching with Todd Payne (Todd Payne (trueself.io)  I have been working with him for some time now and have learned that my pattern of existence has been to dismiss the possibility that I have any ability to change the circumstances of my own life. I have learned that it is important to at least consider my own needs and wants as a factor in making decisions… maybe even the first factor.  I have been learning that I have agency to consider those needs. I can make decisions that honor and fulfill them.  I have been learning that exerting my agency will increase my own happiness. I am also learning that exerting agency in my life will probably not lead to any huge disruption of anyone else’s life. In fact, it is quite possible that it may create happiness for others as well.

Over the past year or so, I have purposefully acted to create agency in my own life. For instance, I’ve come to terms with the toxicity in many of my past relationships. I now understand that I had every right to insist on changes or to leave. In beautiful, healthy relationships, I’ve come to understand that the relationship partners will not only agree to make changes to help me be happy. They will welcome the opportunity to do so. I have been making requests. These requests are not “demands.” In fact, I do not even see them as requests for particular changes or actions. They are requests to engage with me to see if there are ways we can both be happier and more satisfied. These conversations are bonding and fruitful. I have stood up for myself and my beliefs when others have attempted to bully me into acquiescence. I cut back on a big chunk of my volunteer activities because I realized they were eating me up more than they were feeding me.

My life is much happier and healthier now that I’ve clothed myself in some degree of self-determination. It is very grounding to understand that I often have the power to change my circumstances without causing the earth to spin off its axis. Even when I do not have the power to change my circumstances, I can almost always choose the way I frame and respond to them. As I cautiously begin taking actions and having conversations to be more self-determinate, I feel liberated… and the fall-out has not been nearly as profoundly negative as I thought it would be. Who knew that agency in one’s own life is such a crucial factor to mental health? When I say it like that, it seems obvious. Still, it was not obvious to me for nearly 65 years.

How do you reach the right balance between being self-determinate in meeting your own needs and being a loving, giving person who cares about others?  Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com

Have a self-determining day!

Terri/DORRY 😊