The Big Crabapple- Part Four- The Grand Finale!

Monday was our last full day in New York. We had an early morning because we had a scheduled tour of the Statue of Liberty at 9:00am. After all our transportation mishaps, I was nervous about making our way to Battery Park in time to meet the tour. I had particularly arranged this guided tour because Max really wanted to go inside the statue and the surest way to do that seemed to be taking a commercial tour. It was clear from the National Park Service website that entry to the statue itself was extremely limited.

After trains, taxis, and automobiles, we arrived at Battery Park just in time. We joined the horde of people standing around our tour guide and listened to his introductory spiel. The first disappointment of the day was that the tour of the Statue of Liberty did not, in fact, actually enter the Statue of Liberty. We could have ridden the ferry, walked around the base of the statue, and visited the Ellis Island museum all on our own for much less money and at a time that did not require us to rise with the chickens. Instead, we hiked around in the crowd while our tour guide plied us with apocryphal stories about his wife and, parenthetically, the Statue of Liberty.

We still made the best of things. I know Max was sorely disappointed, but he did an excellent job of pretending it was okay. I felt crushingly guilty, of course, because that is what I do. Take on the responsibility for everybody else’s feelings- especially the feelings of the people I love. We did enjoy seeing the scale and majesty of the statue. We did enjoy a quick run through the Ellis Island museum. The tour guide took a couple of cool pictures of us, so he was good for something. He also insisted on taking a group picture of the whole horde of us and offered, for a small fee, to share it with anyone who wanted a copy. I am not sure why anyone would want a picture of themselves and thirty of their closest strangers on the grass in front of the Statue of Liberty. I certainly did not.

After we finished the tour and took the ferry back to Battery Park, I had an agenda. We did not make it to the carousel in Central Park, so I wanted to at least ride the carousel in Battery Park. The Google Machine told me that this carousel was a fanciful trip under the sea on fish and other marine creatures. That intrigued me. This was apparently not the run-of-the-mill merry-go-round, but a magical adventure. I looked at the map of the park and found the location. Unfortunately, spotting a location on a map and getting my brain to direct my legs to that actual location is not that easy. We wandered around for 45 minutes trying to find it. To be fair, we spent part of those 45 minutes with an Orthodox Jewish missionary who stopped to try to recruit us to Judaism. There is the first time for everything.

When we finally reached the carousel (Christianity still intact,) it was not overwhelming at first. The carousel was small. The marine creatures were made of some sort of translucent plastic material. They also seemed small for carousel animals, but I acknowledge they were massive for fish. Still, after 45 minutes of searching, I was not about to leave the park without riding that carousel.

Things changed when the carousel started. The animals began lighting up with morphing pale pink, blue, green, and purple shades. The music with other-worldly. It was what I imagine a merry-go-round on LSD would be like. It was a pleasantly bizarre experience. I don’t think I got stoned from it. Although now that I think about it, I did have the munchies afterwards… and the last thing I wanted to eat was seafood.

This was our last Manhattan adventure. We even found a cab to take us back to Penn Station on the first try. We had Carvel ice cream at a shop near the train station and ate supper at a cute diner near our hotel. We slept reasonably peacefully through our last night in New York. The next day, we drove back to the airport. The first stop was to return the car. I could see the car rental place, but there seemed to be no way to get there from the road. I kept wishing we were living on Star Trek, and I could just ask them to beam me up. On about the fourth circle around the airport, I finally found a way off the main road into the car rental place. Relieved, I got rid of the car as quickly as I could. After another squeamish ride on the air train to the terminal, both Max and I let our shoulders release and our breath exhale. We were going home where we knew what to do and how to get places.

When we reached the Orlando airport, we got our bags and went to retrieve my car from the parking structure. Normally, we use valet parking, but the valet parking area was full when we left Orlando. We parked in the structure, noted the level and row where I left the car. We took pictures of the area. We thought finding the car would be super easy.

It was not. We wandered, hauling our suitcases behind us, trying to find the coordinates we noted when we left. We found the level and the row, but my car was not there. Both of us were tired, hungry, and sore. I felt like I should have stayed on Ellis Island. Pulling a suitcase, struggling with a backpack, and slinging a carry-on bag over my shoulder- I felt like I just got off the boat.

After 20 minutes of searching, I realized something. We were in the rental car parking structure, not the passenger parking lot structure.

I should not be allowed to leave my house without adult supervision.

The Big Crabapple- Part Three

Here’s a fun fact- when a hotel hosts rehearsal dinners and bachelor/ette parties on Friday night, they often host wedding receptions on Saturday night. And those wedding receptions are frequently as loud or louder than the Friday night activities. I now know this from experience. Just saying.

I had higher hopes for Sunday. My cousin, his wife, and their adult son were meeting us at the train station to spend the day together in Manhattan. Great, I thought; I’ll have a keeper. It was a huge relief to my cracked confidence that our survival in Manhattan did not depend on my ability to navigate.

After another uneventful train ride, we arrived at Pennsylvania Station. I had purchased tickets for all of us to take a tour on that hop on/hop off bus. We were scheduled for the opposite neighborhood tour than the one Max and I lost the prior day. We also had reservations to tour the Empire State Building. First, though, I was still on the hunt for my New York bagel. We wandered around the station until we found the recommended carbohydrate pusher. I enjoyed my bagel and we set out to find a bus stop once again. Again, the bus stop was much further away than I anticipated. I knew the M&Ms store in Times Square would be a difficult landmark to miss, so that is where we decided to get the bus. About twenty-five minutes into the walk, I casually asked my cousin what that big building was that we saw as soon as we exited the train station. “Oh,” he said, “that was the Empire State Building.” I don’t know why we walked over twenty-five minutes to catch a bus that we intended to take to… the Empire State Building.

I convinced myself that it was all going to work out to the good because I was so looking forward to a guided bus tour of SOME part of Manhattan. We finally reached the bus stop and joined the line. While we were waiting, I asked one of the employees to confirm that there was, indeed, narration on this “tour.” The employee assured me there was certainly narration. We climbed up to the top decker of the bus and settled in to see some sights. We did see sights. However, we still have no idea what those sights were because there was no narration. We disembarked the bus close to the Empire State Building. The Empire State Building Experience was great. Still no guided narration, but there was signage and my cousin was able to fill in a few blanks.

When we finished at the Empire State Building, it was clear that we were not going to be able to eat and do anything else before we planned to go back to Long Island. It was also clear that eating was imperative. Originally, I hoped to go to Little Italy for a meal, but this turned out to be as overly ambitious as everything else I had planned on this trip. Neither time nor my blood sugar was going to allow for any additional trip to get dinner.

My cousin’s son suggested we go to Bubba Gump’s in Times Square. I like Bubba Gump’s, so I was down for it. My cousin’s wife pointed out we were about seven blocks from the restaurant. I didn’t think that was a big deal. Seven blocks didn’t sound like much. I walk an average of over four miles a day every day. What I did not understand was that seven city blocks in New York City are considerably longer than seven blocks in my little subdivision. Seven blocks in Manhattan are about a mile. Since I had already walked about six miles that day and had not eaten for about six hours, walking to the restaurant was not the wisest decision. My cousin began traipsing through the crowds in the general direction of Times Square. I am sure he wasn’t truly trying to lose me, but his pace did lead me to question his intentions. I walk a lot in my normal life, but I am nowhere near as fast as my family is. Luckily, Max did not leave me in the dust. He kept right by my side and gently kept me upright.

We had a wonderful time together at dinner- talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company. I may have been lost in New York, but I wasn’t lost in my family.

The Big Crabapple- Part Two

Weekends on Long Island are a hot ticket. They are an especially hot ticket if you have a hotel full of wedding guests… and bachelor party guests… and bachelorette party guests. Let’s just say that sleep was nobody’s first priority the night we arrived. It might have been OUR first priority, but nobody cared.

After a bad night’s unsleep, we made our way to the hotel’s complimentary breakfast buffet. Considering how late the other guests must have been up partying, the breakfast buffet was alarmingly picked over. I can only believe that the partying went on until breakfast. The revelers probably spent the evening, night, and wee hours of the morning courting frivolity- then went marauding over the breakfast buffet, taking the spoils back to their rooms to sleep it all off. We ate some scraps and started out for the train station to get us into Manhattan.

I have to say that figuring out the whole railroad adventure was something that I had been dreading. I didn’t know exactly where the station was. I wasn’t 100% sure of the schedule or what line we needed to take. I had no clue as to how I was supposed to pay or when. I had certainly spun a web of anxiety over that aspect of the trip… long before we ever booked a flight. I thought it was going to be the most difficult part of the trip. It turned out to be the easiest. The Long Island Railroad was a piece of cannoli! I found the station on the GPS’ first try. The line and timetable at which I had guessed turned out to be the right ones. I easily inserted my credit card at the vending machine on the platform and was rewarded with two roundtrip train tickets. It was a nice sensation to feel competent again.

Full of misplaced confidence, we arrived at Penn Station at around 10am. It took me approximately nine and a half minutes to find a place in the station selling crumb buns. Because searching for authentic New York crumb buns is one of my holy grail memories with my mother, I refused to move until I purchased this confection and consumed it. I’m not sure a train station crumb bun quite qualifies as “authentic,” but it was pretty yummy and I’m calling it a win.

We found our way out of the terminal to realize we were adjacent to Madison Square Garden, and we were staring directly across from the famous 34th Street Macy’s (of “Miracle On” fame.) The shopper in me whimpered and we decided to make a quick detour into the store before we found the hop on/hop off bus. It was certainly a Macy’s of a different color I can tell you. It felt fancy and luxurious while managing to be kind of kitschy and touristy. It was fantastic with its art décor environment and the wooden escalator and the piano keyboard from the movie Big. It was also huge… I have been in entire malls that were smaller than this store. I kept looking for Edmund Gwenn… or at least anyone with a Santa suit and long white beard.

I pulled myself away after a quick run-through. After all, as fabulous as the Macy’s was, it was still a department store, and it seemed ridiculous to me to come all the way to New York to spend my vacation in a department store. Thus says the woman who spent the vacation commemorating her 50th birthday at the Mall of America.

But I am older and wiser now. I knew that I wanted to see more than Macy’s on our abbreviated sightseeing trip. I had the New York Public Library, Rockefeller Center, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, the Central Park Zoo, the Central Park carousel, and a carriage ride through Central Park on my agenda. We had tickets for the hop on/hop off bus. My plan was to use the sightseeing bus as much as a mode of transportation as a guided tour of Manhattan. Someone hawking tickets stopped us every fifteen feet or so. I always explained we had tickets and asked how to get to a bus stop. They always pointed up the street and said, “keep going.”

A mile later, we finally found a bus stop. The driver said they were full, but there was nobody on the lower floor of the bus. When I pointed that out, he told me that we were welcome to sit down there if we wanted. We settled ourselves and waited for the tour to begin. Then, it didn’t. The bus started moving, but there was no narration at all. There was not even any announcement of where we were and what stop was approaching. I decided that maybe you could only hear the narration on the top floor, so I took matters into my own hands. I decided to get off the bus where I thought we should get off to walk to the library. I do not know if it truly was the right stop, but- after a lengthy walk guided by spotty GPS signals- we did find our way. The library was wonderful and I got to see the original Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals that A.A. Milne purchased for his son. Those stuffies later inspired the world of the Hundred Acre Woods and its inhabitants.

When we finished at the library, we grabbed some McDonald’s so I could quickly eat something that would allow me to remain upright. Then we started back to where the bus dropped us off. At least, I thought we started back to where the bus let us off.

It felt like we were walking and walking and walking without seeing anything that looked familiar. I tried my trusty GPS, and it told me we were .3 of a mile away from the bus stop. That seemed promising. However, the next time I checked, we were .8 miles away. I switched directions, which seemed like a smart thing to do if I was getting further from my destination with each step. The next time I checked, after walking in the theoretically “getting closer” direction, the distance was reading 1.7 miles. At that point, I surrendered and decided to get an Uber to take us to Central Park.

Uber seemed like a great option. I got a response almost immediately, telling me that our driver, Leo, would be there in a white Camry within three minutes. The problem was that I could not identify specifically where Leo was going to pick us up. Uber mentioned the intersection we were approaching on our forced march through Manhattan. However, by definition, an intersection has four possible corners. I was certain that, whichever one I picked, I would be wrong. We waited for awhile and I kept my eyes peeled for a white Camry. My heart surged when I saw one coming towards us. When it stopped in traffic, I stepped off the curb and into the street to consult with the driver.

I never knew I had hijacker potential. The driver kept saying that he was not our Uber, but it somehow did not register with me. He became more and more wary as we chatted in the middle of the street. I am probably lucky that my refusal to believe his protestations that he was not my Uber driver only confused him and did not spur him to violence. Finally, I asked, “But aren’t you Leo?”  He firmly denied that he was Leo and sped- or creeped- away as the traffic moved. Left in his dust, I consulted my App again. While my potential hijackee did have a white Camry and did have a license plate that started with the same two letters, the rest of the license plate number did not match what the app listed as Leo’s.

Apparently, white Camrys are the vehicle of choice for Manhattan Uber drivers. There were a lot of them. Indeed, after Leo texted me to tell me he was not working and would not be picking us up, I tried again and we ended up with another Uber driver- also in a white Camry with a license plate number starting with the same two letters.

The ride to Central Park was blessedly uneventful. However, all the time I had spent wandering around trying to find my way back to the bus and accosting a poor Manhattan motorist took a toll. There was not enough time to take the carriage, go to the zoo, and ride the carousel. I opted for the carriage ride, which was lovely. I left Central Park with FOMO, though.

I opted for a taxi to take us back to Penn Station. It came up when I tried my Uber app again. It seemed as though this time, it was going to be fairly easy to locate the taxi who was responding to the request. I could easily see and get to all four corners of the intersection where the app said our driver Adam would meet us. In a couple of minutes, I had confirmation from Adam that he was in the immediate vicinity and would be there within three minutes. Sure enough, a cab appeared. This time, I checked with the driver first. “Are you Adam?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “I am Adam. Where can I take you?”

He was not Adam. Adam is probably still circling around Central Park looking for us.

The Big Crabapple- Part One

Back in 2019, Max and I planned a vacation to New York City for May of 2020. As you may recall, the world wasn’t vacationing anywhere in May of 2020, least of all to New York City. We all spent the spring of 2020 hunkering down in our bubbles. We tried not to breathe when we made our potentially deadly trips to the grocery store. We hoarded toilet paper. We collected large wardrobes of fashion-forward face masks. We called driving through a temporary medical facility to get a COVID test a “date night.”

The hotel we had booked in Manhattan was open in May, but it was too soon for most people to even consider traveling for pleasure. I had a relaxed attitude about COVID, but even I felt faintly queasy about shooting my shot with New York City. Besides, nothing besides the hotel was operational. I couldn’t see the point of being tourists when the only sights we could see would be within the four walls of a cramped hotel room. We cancelled our trip.

Somehow or another, the idea of New York became permanently tangled in my brain with the idea of a deadly worldwide pandemic. After there was a vaccine, after the pandemic waned, after the world started breathing in the produce aisle again… I still became overwhelmed with the thought of another New York trip. It was not that I could not face traveling. I led the charge to re-engage with tourism in November of 2020. It was just New York that paralyzed me. It may be that the whole process of planning a trip to New York City scared me as much as COVID. Once the first trip got shoved to one side, the momentum of my tourist courage shattered in an irrecoverable kind of way.

I was born in the Bronx and lived on Long Island until I was five. I have memories from a few trips when I went to see family as an adult. In those instances, I visited New York City, but I always had a keeper. I never needed to be responsible for any decisions or directions. I just kept both eyes and one hand on whatever family member accompanied me and hoped for the best. I found even that to be scary.

So, what in heaven’s name made me think it was a clever idea to become the designated travel agent for a fun New York City vacation? I blame it on my cousin Raymond. Last year, I decided it had been way too long since I had seen him and his family. His younger son, my godson, was going to be celebrating his 21st birthday in July and I decided to visit them on Long Island for the occasion. On one of the days I was visiting, we planned a trip to Manhattan to see a play. I survived the ordeal easily. The thing is- my beloved Raymond and his wife made it all too easy for me. They helped me select a hotel near them, provided my airport transportation, picked me up at the hotel every day to shuttle me around to anywhere I wanted to go, and provided all my entertainment. When we went to Manhattan, I was able to employ my tried-and-true method of getting around by keeping both eyes and one hand on some member of my New York family at all times. Their generosity, in every way, was almost embarrassing. I certainly did not expect it. I did not want them to feel they had to make that kind of effort again- at least not without me making a similar effort for them in my own stomping grounds.

Bottom line- I was duped. Because this foray into New York tourism was a spectator sport for me, I convinced myself that it was possible for me to do it on my own. Nope. Not even a little bit. Our five-day trip (including two travel days) showed me that I am delusional about my competency in this arena. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count all the mistakes I made.

My original plan was to use Uber to get to the hotel from the airport and for all our transportation needs on Long Island. We planned to take the train into the city on our three whole days of the trip. I had hop-on/hop-off bus tickets for transportation around Manhattan. In the week or so before we left, I started re-thinking- something that is almost always an error in judgment for me. I noticed that the drive from the airport to the hotel was only 18 miles and I did not remember it as being a bad drive when Ray transported me last year. Eighteen miles, I thought… how bad could it be? I decided that, if I rented a car, it would be more convenient to get to the hotel and, also to get to the train station, restaurants, etc. on Long Island. I checked the prices for rental cars and found a great deal. I made the reservation and convinced myself that I could do this thing.

On the day of our trip, we arrived at the Orlando airport in plenty of time. As we sat in front of Starbucks, I received a call from the hotel. They were calling to tell me that the two-bedroom suite I reserved over six months ago was, unfortunately, not going to be available after all. The hotel assured me it was not a problem because they were going to comp us another room so we would have separate sleeping spaces. Not ideal, but we could live with it. It did leave us with the question of how a room that we reserved months ago could suddenly not be available, but we decided to go with the flow.

Our flight was scheduled to arrive at JFK at 1:00pm. We got there around 1:30, thanks to some random pre-flight taxi-ing around the Orlando airport. While in the air, I received a text from the rental car company. They were cautioning me to bring proof of insurance. No car rental company has ever asked for that in my experience. I, of course, had not packed my handy-dandy insurance card. Still, I told myself not to sweat it; I could probably access my account online and get a digital copy of the card. Then, I kept reading (the text had many, many words.) The rental company clarified that said handy-dandy insurance card was not sufficient. They required a copy of the policy as well. No need to fret, they said, because they conveniently sold insurance at their counter.

Well, fret I did. I felt faintly sick to my stomach thinking of how much they probably charged for such “convenient” insurance. Still, I was not yet in despair. The text gave directions on how to get to their pick-up counter at JFK. After we picked up our bags, we embarked on that adventure. The first stage was getting on the AirTrain out of the terminal. We boarded the AirTrain, despite Max’s protestations that we should wait for the next “less crowded” one. About 843 people, give or take 122, piled on behind us on the already overfull car. I had nothing to hold onto as the train lurched forward, but that was okay because I was unable to move. When we reached the place we were to exit the train, Max made it out, but I was trapped in the horde of people who were paying no attention to my pleas that they “excuse me.” Finally, a lady several layers closer to the door than I took hold of my suitcase and used it as a battering ram to get it (and me holding on behind it) out the door.

We exited the train in front of the office for two rental car companies. Neither, unfortunately, was OUR rental car company. Still, not to worry- of course the cheap rental car company would not have a premium location. I opened the War and Peace length text from the company again. It informed to “follow the signs” to their location. I looked to the left, and I looked to the right. No signs. The text also mentioned turning left and walking to the traffic circle to find their office. We did that. We found the traffic circle. Sadly, however, we found absolutely nothing resembling a rental car office. Undeterred, I thought maybe the right and left got reversed so we retraced our steps and went past where we disembarked from the train. We found another traffic circle. Sadly, however, we STILL did not find anything resembling a rental car office.

At this point, if I had had a single brain cell that was still operational, I would have reverted to my original plan to get an Uber and rethink the rental car issue when we arrived at the hotel. However, I did not have a single remaining operational brain cell. I was hungry, tired, and faintly shell-shocked. I already had a significant case of Travel Trauma. As is likely to happen when infected by this disease, I made an extremely poor decision. I decided to rent a car from the company located right next to the train stop. There was a sign announcing that they had cars available.

I entered the office and joined the line that looked like it probably stretched to New Jersey. Max, who was beyond ready to get on the next plane back to Florida, waited outside the office guarding our luggage. After a lifetime or two, I reached the front desk and rented a car. I rented a car for THREE TIMES the cost of my original reservation with the apparently mythical company of The Office That Did Not Exist. I immediately went on my phone, transferred the astronomical cost of the car rental from my savings account to my checking account, and made a payment of that amount to my credit card. I could not bear the thought of seeing a credit card balance taunting me for my financial stupidity.

The good news? Nobody asked for proof of insurance.

Another minor piece of good news is that the car came with GPS. My car at home comes with GPS, so I thought I understood what that meant. On this rental car, though, there was no navigation button on the dashboard or screen to view the directions right in front of me. The GPS was a tired old tablet with, as it turns out, several different directions apps. It thought even slower than I was thinking at the time. Also, I somehow managed to have several apps going at the same time. I tried my phone but could not get it to talk to me through the car’s tech system.

By the time we accomplished all this, it was about 4:30pm On Friday afternoon. In New York City. On the way to Long Island. That 18-mile trip looked vastly different at 4:30pm than it probably would have looked at 1:30pm. Also. The various voices in the GPS choral rendition of driving directions took us through many neighborhoods that I am certain we had no business being. I understand that GPS systems are programmed to avoid traffic. Avoiding threat of bodily harm might be a good consideration, as well.

The 18-mile trip took almost 2 hours. We finally reached the town where we were staying and me Raymond and his oldest son for dinner. That was the eye of the hurricane… a time of peace, fun, and family bonding. It seemed that the worst might be over.

Nope.

Have a peaceful day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

Thank God

Yes, indeed. Thank God. As we approach another Thanksgiving, it seems a good time for me to count my blessings. It has been a challenging year (I seem to be saying that every year now!) but to be honest, I would not have changed a thing. In the rear-view mirror, I can clearly see that the incidents that drove me to the brink of despair during the past year have sparked great growth and contentment. This year, I feel like I’ve graduated from “managing” to “thriving.” I don’t think I could have done that without the cuts and bruises of 2025.

As I review my own growth over the past few years, I feel like I’ve travelled through several phases. I guess I started out in a phase of barely holding on to my sanity and sense of self. Over time, I learned coping strategies and made friends with my neurosis. At some point, I stepped onto the battlefield to try to rescue the Terri who was wounded and crying out for help. After that, a new season of barely holding myself together and learning coping mechanisms ensued. My brain probably has the whole cycle on a loop stuck on “repeat.” My very own unhinged playlist.

This year, though, it feels a little different. I think, if I do end up back on the battlefield, it will be to support the Terri who is still standing- and fighting the good fight. It won’t be to save her from destruction. I am in much more peaceful skin than I have ever been. There is a kind of happiness and trust in myself that are new to me. In the past, when I had a glimpse of those blessed qualities, I skittered away because trusting them meant the fear of losing them. This year, I have been starting to lean into them- somehow finding faith that, if I lose them, I can find them again.

None of this is to say that I expect to live in my current euphoric bubble for the rest of my life. I do not fool myself. I understand that it is highly likely I will experience wobbles and freak-outs over challenges in the future. I am sure there will be days in the future when I will read this paean to mental health and bemoan my own delusion. It is not delusion, however. It is true now. And it will be again.

There are many factors that have gone into this wobbly, wandering, wonderful journey. My experience with my life coach, Todd Payne, is probably chief among them. I have also allowed myself to accept and rely on support from the people in my life who love me and value my love in return. My pastor and his family have comforted, challenged, and loved me when I wasn’t able to do any of that for myself. Max, as always, has been the most consistent, stalwart of loves. I have seen both of us grow individually and together toward a deeper love this past year. I know I am loved in a way I never used to be able to understand or accept.

There have also been the hard parts- times when people have been vicious and destructive, times when I have tried desperately (and failed just as desperately) to do everything people wanted me to do, times when the ugliness that I invited into my heart threatened to overcome my very personhood like a parasite destroys the host. I hated every last minute spent in those episodes. However, I look back at them with gratitude today. Would I want to relive them? Of course not. But now, I know I could. Do they still hurt when I think about them? You bet! But now, something better has grown in the heart space they destroyed.

I am thankful that I am loved in different ways by different people. I am thankful that I can experience love- from God, from others, and… sometimes, even from myself. I am thankful I can give myself a little more credit for emotional resilience and courage. I am thankful for the experiences I have had- both joyful and painful- that have grown these qualities in me.

Mostly, I Thank God for the year of blessings He has scattered in my life. I could say that sometimes He disguises them as disasters. The truth is, though, He does not disguise blessings as disasters. He uncovers blessings in the disasters.

I hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving. God, please grant everyone who reads this blog post a year of abundant blessings. Also, dear Lord, if it doesn’t mess up some huge divine plan of Yours, please grant that those blessings will be undisguised! AMEN!

Have a thankful day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

Am I Too Old For Birthdays?

I recently turned sixty-six years old. You may recall that, to celebrate my benchmark birthday last year, I visited a wonderful place called Beautiful Creatures (Follow The Bouncing Birthday – Terri LaBonte- Reinventing Myself in Retirement ) This year, I expected a little less fanfare. Still, I was excited. It was a beautiful time doing things I enjoy with people I love. So much warmth and love surrounded me from all over the world.

I have always loved my birthday. This perspective mystifies most of my contemporaries. They cannot understand why I would look forward to celebrating another year of aging. After all, I bemoan my wrinkles, gray hair, creaky joints, and a myriad of realities of my decrepitude. My take on birthdays is different. I never thought of a birthday as a celebration of the number of years I had attained. I thought of birthdays as a celebration of me. After all, when we celebrate the birthday of some famous person in history, how old that person was or would be today does not enter into the equation at all. We commemorate that person’s character, achievements, impact, and other attributes that make that person worth remembering. I like to think that is what everybody’s birthday celebration should be- even mine.

I do not often allow myself to come to the front of the priority queue. I do not often celebrate the qualities that make me uniquely myself. I am genuinely stumped when I try to understand why anyone would love me or think I am anything special. I have no default to such things. In fact, allowing myself to be the top priority, recognizing what makes me special, and celebrating my worth requires all my mental and emotional MacGyver skills to workaround the default- that I am nothing special or worth celebrating and am only acceptable if I put everyone else’s priorities before my own.

A birthday for me is a time to give myself permission to be first in line. It is a time to be selfish for twenty-four hours. It is a time that I can acknowledge what is beautiful about myself, without feeling like I’m being conceited or delusional. It is a time to be happy that I was born- that I am blessed with a beautiful life, and I help create beautiful lives for others.

This philosophy has brought me through many happy birthdays. Even in the worst of times, my birthday has been a little respite of joy. This year, I realized the satisfaction I get from my birthday is about even more than the permission to appreciate myself and put myself first.

I am a very attachment-oriented person. Connection is my life’s blood. I wither without giving and receiving love. Attachment is all important to me, but I constantly fear that I will not have it or will lose it. As a result, I find myself trying to figure out how to merit connection. I feel like I must understand what it will take to earn attachment- what do I have to say, what do I have to do, how little trouble must I be?

Most people would say that grace is often the true basis for connection. I believe that- for everyone else but me. You shouldn’t have to earn love. It is a mystical symbiosis of souls- supported and sustained by shared experience and mutual vulnerability. Somehow, though, I have made myself ineligible for that grace. I believe I must earn attachment, and I can’t figure out what my currency is. I don’t see what it is about me that merits the connection, so I too easily wither.

On my birthday, I allow myself to accept attachment on grace alone. I can accept love and be secure in attachment simply because I am me. I’ll never be too old to celebrate that.

Have a graceful day!

Terri/Dorry 🙂

Don’t Pay The Ransom

No one has kidnapped me.

I know, I know. It has been some time since I stepped out into the blogosphere. It was a summer and a half. It might have only been one season, but it must have been a season in dog years. I spent four months as an indentured servant in my church’s finance office. I am a marginal bookkeeper at best, but the pickings were slim and I, at least, had a pulse. I had two eye surgeries. For most of the summer, my two eyes were not teetering and tottering on the same see-saw, which meant “sight” was a relative, finite commodity. I had to pace my vision requirements. I had a birthday. When our church finally hired a “real” person to take over the finance office, I went on a vacation in New York City for five days. Now, I am having the wood floors in my house replaced. This required a couple of weeks of intensive tossing and packing preparation time. Also- an exciting announcement- I am working on a novel.

My brain has been busy percolating so many thoughts and ideas, spurred by the tumult of the last six months. I’ve shared some of my random musings in blogs during that period, but I think I hit my wall. There were too many thoughts in my head, and it was getting too difficult to extract them. They were stuck up in my cerebellum, twisted into a gnarly, impossible knot of blockage.

I’ve started sorting things out in my brain. I have begun writing some coherent narratives that I will soon post to share my scintillating revelations. I just wanted to give you an update, so you did not think I had wandered off and gotten lost. Well, I did wander off but did not get lost. Maybe just a little misplaced.

Please bear with me and keep reading. In the  next few weeks, I intend to share some birthday perspectives, some Terri-specific New York City adventures (as my secretary once said, “that could only happen to you- you are a weird magnet,”) some ideas about the tension between “doing” and “being,” and some thoughts on producing a novel. Thanks for putting up with me!

Have a patient kind of day!

Terri/Dorry 🙂

Wrinkles

This has been quite the summer. You have heard about my struggles with the oppressive weather, but there has been a lot more going on in my life. In future blogs, I will probably share more reflections on the events of the past season in my life. Today, however, I want to address a particular issue head-on. Buckle up- here we go!

This summer, I decided to blow up my look. I felt like I was looking rundown and scraggly, in addition to feeling old and used up. I had my hair cut off. Well, not all of it, but enough to startle people. In fact, some people had trouble recognizing me. One of my dearest friends still struggles to identify me from behind. After that change, I decided to go with a darker color for my hair. Then, most recently, I had my long-suffering hair stylist add some red highlights. In addition, I have had two eye surgeries this summer. This means that I have not been wearing my glasses for the past four months. In the next couple of weeks, I will be getting new glasses, but I’ve gotten used to seeing my face without frames and without glare reflected from my eyes. When I do get my new glasses, they will be much smaller and more delicate in design than the somewhat overwhelming spectacles I used to sport.

In assessing me for my eye surgeries, the doctor pointed out that I had wrinkly retinas and, therefore, some of the traditional cataract solutions would not be available to me. It was not a huge problem medically, but it certainly offended my delusional sense of my own youth. First of all, I didn’t even know retinas could have wrinkles. Secondly, I have always been the youngest person in the room amongst my circle of friends. I am beginning to see that I am graduating from that season of my life. I am inclined to rail against it.

To be honest, I never thought too much about having wrinkles. I have enough other body image problems to place wrinkles firmly in the back seat where I can forget they exist. Once the ophthalmologist brought the issue of wrinkles to my consciousness, I could not stop thinking about it. Usually, on Monday nights, Max and I look at old pictures or videos of our life together. That life now consists of almost 30 years. We have a lot of media from 2003 forward, when Max moved in with me. Since hearing about my wrinkly retinas, I cannot look at myself in these images without being painfully aware of how different my face looks now than it did twenty years ago. This may seem like a “duh” moment to many of you, but I honestly had not noticed very much until this summer. I doubt it all happened in the span of four months. Ick.

The other day, I was sitting in the hair stylist’s chair staring in the mirror looking for the red highlights. I was trying to figure out if they were bold enough to do what I wanted them to do or if they were trembling in a corner of my scalp. I noticed that I was furrowing my brow. I decided to relax my forehead. NOTHING CHANGED! I wasn’t furrowing my brow. My brow just has furrows now. No wonder I always look worried. I thought it was just because I am always worried. Apparently not. Those furrows are deep and permanent. I could plant crops in my brow.

I could call my furrowed brow a “pleated forehead” and see if it catches on as a new fashion trend, but I doubt the branding will work. Pleats give too much of a “Catholic girls’ school uniform” vibe. How about a “rouched brow?”  Isn’t rouching supposed to be the answer to every body insecurity in the fashion world? Got a lumpy midsection? Try rouching. Got arms that seem to get lost in the sleeves of a dress? Try rouching. Want to show a little leg but are uncomfortable with a slit? Try rouching the hem. Feeling aged? Try rouching your brow? What do you think? Could it catch on?

Or maybe I should stop fantasizing and just come to terms with reality. I am getting older. My appearance is taking the journey right along with me. In some ways, I have been growing closer to making peace with my looks over the past few years. I have been working hard to banish the crippling self-image that has limited my life in some pervasive, insidious ways. There are still days- way more frequently than I would like- when I feel like I am completely ineligible for love and value simply because of my appearance. However, there are days now when I can look at myself and not feel like the most unattractive, repulsive woman ever born. Then there are days like today when all I can see is my permanently creased brow.

I understand that the way I feel about my appearance is not necessarily reality, although it absolutely feels like reality. Feelings are not forever. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see myself through a more generous lens. Or, if not tomorrow, maybe someday. Why is it so hard to see ourselves as beautiful and attractive when it is so easy to see others that way? Maybe I just think about this too much. Maybe THAT is why my brow is furrowed!

me with my new look

Have a youthful day- but don’t rub it in!

Terri/Dorry 🙂

Summer Struggles… Or Bellows On

I was supposed to go to the beach today. One would think that planning a beach day in early September would be a perfectly normal and festive way to mark the passing of the lazy days of the last gasps of summer. One would not live in Florida.

The weather report for today shows thunderstorms on the way to the beach. It shows thunderstorms early enough to limit my time at the beach to about 2 hours (by the way- it is about 100 miles to the beach I planned to visit.) It shows thunderstorms all the way home once the lightning shoos me off the beach. Weather.com mentions “torrential.” I decided this morning that, as much as I wanted to go, discretion is the better part of valor.

Instead of experiencing the vibrant, refreshing smell of salt and gentle, cool water lapping over my skin during my monthly retreat day, I am in my Florida room at home reading, praying, and writing. Instead of a lovely walk through the sand for exercise and contemplation, I will be walking my steps across my living room floor in the air conditioning. A retreat day is a retreat day, so I am not complaining. I am simply observing that summer in Florida is a long way from being done. There are no “lazy days of the last gasps of summer” in the foreseeable future. Florida is dramatic when it comes to summer. There is no lingering death scene. In fact, sometimes I wonder if there is any death at all- it feels interminable. If it is going to die, it will flare out in a spectacular spontaneous combustion. Here’s hoping it doesn’t take all of us with it.

Another remnant of the summer bellows outside my bedroom window each night I’ve said it before, and I will say it again- nature is noisy. The summer is mating season for alligators. Our house backs up onto a wetland conservation zone. It is common for me to struggle to fall asleep amidst the music of horny alligators looking for a hook-up. They say that a male alligator sounds like a motorcycle starting. With some imagination, I guess that is the case. I was thinking more of those annoying vuvuzela horns people blow at soccer games- if the person blowing the horn was the Jolly Green Giant. I guess that makes sense. Alligators are the reptile version of Green Giants. And I bet they pretty jolly or at least will be if some sexy alligator hottie comes calling in response to that obnoxious mating call.

I should note that vuvuzelas make noise that can exceed 120 decibels, significantly exceeding the threshold for permanent hearing loss. Many stadiums have banned their use for exactly that reason. Someone should tell the alligators.

I have a friend who insists that alligators cannot climb simply because she doesn’t want to entertain the possibility. They empirically CAN climb but she prefers to push that fact of nature out of her brain. It is far more comfortable to live in Florida if you don’t think too hard about the many ways an alligator could secure access to your living space. Alligators are not usually running around (and they can run!) trying to enter a human house or even garage, but they do not understand the concept of property lines. It is not uncommon to see them in yards or golf courses within subdivisions. People say that if you have a glass of water in Florida, there WILL be an alligator trying to get into it. If they stayed in the glass of water, we could all live in peace. However, they often go in search of other bodies of water… or in search of a frisky female.

When we first moved to Florida, I tried to adopt the attitude of denial that my friend employs to ignore the idea that some of my neighbors might have scales. In fact, I heard some suspiciously alligator-like noise but told myself it was some kind of bird or frog. Truthfully, a bird or a frog big enough to make the kind of noise I was hearing would be at least as frightening as an alligator. It would be a freak of nature. We had a worker out to close our soffits (to prevent squirrels from getting into our attic, not alligators- I am not that paranoid.)  He mentioned that he was hearing a bull alligator behind the house as he worked. I told him I thought it was a bullfrog. He looked at me like I was demented but did not debate with me. I had not paid him yet.

However, I have since seen an alligator in the backyard. During COVID, Max was looking out the window and said to me, “Is that an alligator?”  I defaulted to denial and said, “Oh no, it is just a tree root.”  Then the tree root moved. It was an alligator, and he was out for a little stroll. We watched as he ambled through eight or so backyards before heading back down into the wetlands. He was a big fella, too. We regularly see juvenile males who have been kicked out of a given body of water because the fully grown males are starting to see them as a threat. The Jolly Green Giant in the backyard was at least seven feet long. That was the day I faced up to the fact that not all my non-human neighbors are fuzzy and cute.

As long as the weather is too volatile to go to the beach…. As long as I am drinking the air I breathe…. As long as I still hear alligators trumpeting on reptile Tinder…. It is still summer. Make it stop, please!

Is it still unrelentingly summer where you are? How can you tell? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Have a cool day!

Terri/Dorry 🙂

Okay, I Take It Back

I am now almost three weeks post-surgery to remove my second cataract.  Now I understand what everybody talks about after this surgery.  I can see much better.  On a trip to Daytona Beach last week, I was extremely gratified to realize I could actually read the directional signs for the freeway offramps.  Last Sunday at church, I could read the words on the screen- as long as there were six lines of text or fewer.  A friend of mne mentioned that her experience with cataract surgery was that she realized she had been seeing the world through a layer of waxed paper before the surgeon scraped that layer of opaqueness of her corneas.  That seems like a really good description to me.

My eyes are still not perfect.  I am  using readers for close-up vision.  This continues to be an adjustment.  I’ve gotten a little more astute at figuring when to put them on and when not to bother.  I am more accepting of the reality that I cannot read and watch television at the same time.  Computer screens are still the bane of my existence because they are a little too far away from my face for the readers to help and my distance vision is still not quite good enough to read a monitor easily.  It is way better and I knew that I would still need bifocals when all is complete.  The surprise is how well I am doing without glasses for everything except reading and computer screens.

The biggest improvement has been that the horrible feeling of discombobulation and disorientation I’ve been experiencing since surgery one is gone.  Now that both my eyes are on the same teeter-totter, I am no longer constantly feeling dizzy, nauseous, and headachey. Each eye seems to have gone back to pulling its own weight.  My right eye is relieved to go back to moving at an easy trot.  My left eye, having taken a knee for most of the last month, is sheepishly back in the game. 

In another month or so, I will have new glasses and this summer campaign in the Cataract War will be concluded.  I am still impatient for that day, but I must say that this second surgery has given me the stick-to-itiveness and hope to wait it out with some level of good grace.  I can now SEE… and see a day when all will be well!

How do you stay patient while waiting for a drsired outcome? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Keep your peepers open for more blog posts soon!

Terri/Dorry 🙂