Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. I also love grizzly bears, but I don’t necessarily think it is safe to engage with them.
There are numerous holiday-related injuries that can detract from the fun and frivolity of the Christmas season. I’m going to mention a few of them so you can be on the lookout, if you insist on tempting fate and celebrating a holly jolly season this year.
The other day, I was innocently decorating my Christmas trees (yes, I do have more than one… what’s it to ya?) and happened to look down. There was a stream of blood running down my arm, apparently the result of some tree assembly mishap. I’m not sure how it happened. My trees are not huge. In fact, it occurred to me that, even if one of them should come tumbling down directly on my head, they did not weigh enough to render me concussed. Still, I somehow managed to stab myself with fake pine needles and break the skin. You’ll be happy to know I avoided stitches. I did, however, need a band-aid.
I threw several strings of battery-operated lights around the holly trees in front of my house. I wasn’t interested in appearing on The Great Christmas Light Fight or anything. I just didn’t want to be the only neighbor without holiday illumination. Since I didn’t really care how the lights looked, it was not necessary to balance on a ladder. I’ve seen a lot of people in the community perching precariously on ladders, stapling lights to their roofs. I’m sorry, but I think if you live in an over-55 community, you are just tempting fate the minute you step on a ladder. The lights in my holly trees are battery-operated and have timers, so I am now free to ignore them until it is time to put them away in January. I do have two faceted green disco-ball kind of things that project moving green polka dots onto the face of the house. These, alas, have neither batteries or timers. I had to get extension cords, which seemed relatively hazard-free. However, every evening I have to plug the lights in and unplug them when I go to bed. Max is certain that I will be attacked by lizards, frogs, and snakes when I prowl around the yard unplugging cords.
I also think I may have developed a tinsel allergy at some point. Every time I’ve decorated a tree in the past few years, I’ve ended up with a cold or other respiratory ailment of some such ilk. I end up spending several days sneezing and coughing and feeling like I’ve swallowed spiders. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who reported that just about everyone has that reaction. She said she thought it was from the dust that collects on the Christmas tree and decorations while they languish in the garage from January until November. That may sound reasonable to some of you, but I believe it is more nefarious and personal than that. I’ve decided that I must be allergic to sparkle. Unless I’m allergic to Christmas in general. I’m not willing to go that far, however.
There are also the health issues surrounding the consumption of special holiday treats. We’ve all heard horror stories of people who have ended up in the emergency room with food poisoning on Christmas because somebody thought cooking a turkey overnight at 150 degrees was a great idea. I personally know several people who have been injured when falling fruitcake hit their feet. Just saying. Then there is my own personal vulnerability. People who jog can get shin splints. People who play tennis can get tennis elbow. People who eat gingerbread as a hobby are susceptible to ginger-pudge. This is a serious condition that causes a thickened waist and a pair of bloated hips. Yes, it is only a season disorder, but its effects can be cumulative year after year.
Yes, Christmas can be dangerous. Maybe we should avoid seasonal celebration the way we avoid smoking, drinking, extreme sports, and taking toddlers on long airplane trips.
But then…. there is the Christmas Star that brings Light to the World. There is the good news of salvation. There is the joyful promise of peace on earth and goodwill to all.
Forget what I said. Some dangers are worth the risk. We need a little Christmas!
Have you ever suffered any Christmas-related injuries? Do tell. Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have an injury-free day!