health – Terri LaBonte- Reinventing Myself in Retirement

Deep Dark Secret

I have been playing with y’all over the past several weeks. My blog posts have been light, silly, puffy pieces about the weird turns my mind takes and the random ironies of life. They definitely reflect the quirkiness that is me.

Behind the scenes, though, I have been struggling with some darker, heavier issues. I have told you a little bit about my work with my life coach, Todd Payne (www.toddpaynelifecoach.com). I have shared some of the fruits of that work in terms of decreasing my anxiety, increasing my flexibility, and embracing more joy in my life. When I started working with Todd, I was not completely sure what I wanted to accomplish. I only knew that my brain runs in the redline area all the time. My mental “check engine” is ALWAYS lit. My brain exists in a dangerous internal world. I try to plan, prepare, avoid, and hope away all the potential perils to my psyche. This is, of course, impossible. I have always been a pretty functional individual. Many people would say, in fact, that I am highly functional. These two realities- that I am highly functional and that my emotion of choice on any given day is fear- are difficult to reconcile. Long ago, I learned that I had to manage my fears if I wanted to have any kind of life at all. I work very, very hard to overcome my anxiety. I end run my anxiety so that I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. I end run my anxiety so I don’t annoy people. I end run my anxiety so that the world won’t know how anxious I am.

All that running is exhausting. When I reached out to Todd, I wondered if it was possible to take my emotional management a few steps further. Instead of learning additional coping strategies to help overcome the fears, was there a way I could make the fears stop? In other words, was there an antibiotic that would resolve my infection of fear rather than just an aspirin that would mask the symptoms? The fear management techniques I have used most of my life were the equivalent to an emotional aspirin. If there was a way I could resolve the tendency to terror at its core, I believed I would not have to work so hard to function happily in life.

I believed this was a bit of a pipe dream, but I decide to give it a try. As I have shared with you, I have seen amazing progress. I could not be happier with the outcome.

On the other hand…

As I worked through my fears and anxiety, I realized there was something much deeper that has been eviscerating my self-worth most of my life… my perception of and relationship with my body image. I have talked a little bit about this issue in passing (retirement lifestyle blog; body image; life coaching – Terri LaBonte- Reinventing Myself in Retirement), but I have not shared much detail about it. I am not sure I can. I do not think it would be very helpful, anyway. Everybody’s story is different. My body image journey is unique to me. Most people, women especially, have challenges around the way the world sees them and how they see themselves. Physical beauty is such a high value in our society, yet its parameters are so narrow. It is hard for anyone to resist the messages the society crams down our throats about beauty.

I have always been so far outside the parameters. It is common for me to feel shameful and apologetic for simply taking up space in the world. I think even people who love me and who have some understanding of the emotional challenges of body image pain do not realize the breadth and depth of the damage in me. Writing this feels overly dramatic and I am truly not looking for anyone to pity “poor me.” I am just trying to outline a little of the effect so that maybe some of you who might have faced similar feelings will not feel so alone. And also, to offer some hope.

My work with Todd is helping. I am cautious about saying “to offer some hope” because I do not yet know where my journey will take me. I have a long way to go, but I am heartened by the success we have found with the issues that were overlaying the weight and body issues- decreasing the ever-present anxiety, freeing myself from self-imposed limitations, more confidently owning the parts of myself that I think are valuable, and compassionately embracing even the least attractive parts. I also feel some shifting when it comes to the weight and body issue. It is not yet enough to label a success, but I can label it as hope.

The other day, a group of the women from my church were discussing the benefits that the church gets from continued online streaming of services, even though congregants are now coming to church in person. Many of the ladies offered great insights. They can continue to participate in worship when they snowbird up north in the summer. They can rewatch the service to hear the sermon again. They can fast-forward to the part of the service where the children’s choir sings so they can get a better view of the kids. It occurred to me that I often rewatch the service so I can see how big my butt looks when I am standing in line for communion. Clearly, my star is not at its apex. However, I can feel the zenith getting further away.

Todd tells me that I will always have to struggle with loving myself, accepting that I am beautiful, and doing what is healthy for me. It is not that one day, I am magically going to lose fifty pounds, feel great about how I look, and become a militant advocate for the body positive movement. It took me 62 years to get to this place. I do not think I have 62 more years to reclaim my beauty and sense of value. It is not realistic to believe that I am ever going to be the most beautifully and naturally confident person in the world. At this point, my goal is to feel “not unfortunate looking.”

The work I am doing is about health- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I am trying to learn how to believe that I deserve to do the things that make me healthy- whether it be a choice to have a chocolate bar because chocolate is sweet, creamy, and delicious or a choice to eat a turkey sandwich because it is fresh, crunchy, and nutritious. Neither choice is morally wrong. It is good for my overall health to sometimes choose the chocolate bar and sometimes choose the turkey sandwich.

The next step is for me to figure out how to be more intentional with those choices… to understand them for what they are and what they are not. If I am making choices that do not strengthen my health in some way, why am I making them? Is there a need I have that I am using my food to address when whatever I am missing has nothing to do with food? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. The work I am doing now will help me answer them. The thing is… finding those answers is apt to be pretty uncomfortable.

So, why am I doing this? Why now, when I have spent 62 years living in this body and coping as I have? The truth is, I should have dealt with this long ago, but I was too scared and did not have support I trusted enough to storm this particular castle. Now, at this late date, I still believe I have something to gain. As I said, all the end running I have been doing to avoid this issue has become exhausting after all this time. Also, health is a lifelong pursuit. As we age, many of us find that we are compelled to take better care of our physical health. The goal is to be physically active and live a long life. As we get older, most people need to be more intentional about their health to meet that goal. For me, I do not know that I necessarily need to live longer, but I do know that I want the remaining years God gives me to be joyful, productive, and satisfying.

So, what advice do you have for me as I open the door to the dragons? Please leave a comment to share your perspective. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Have a beautiful day!

Terri/Dorry 😊

How Much Patience Must A Patient Have?

This is not a tongue-twister. It is a temporal lobe twister.

Recently, I entered an endocrinological perfect storm. The experience left me wondering whether it is time for me to raise my medical expectations.

When I moved to Florida from California, I had to find a new endocrinologist to manage my diabetes and thyroid issues. I looked for a doctor close to my new home but found only one. The online reviews for this doctor were not stellar, to say the least. In fact, he sounded downright mean… or, at least, curt. For reasons I am not going to bother to explain here, I have a hard time going to see doctors in the best of circumstances. I was certainly not anxious to see the endocrinologist whose reviews made him sound like the medical version of Simon Legree. I widened my search and ended up selecting a doctor in Orlando, which is about 40 miles from where I live. I know that is a bit far to travel but the doctor’s name was Dr. Steady (not his real name, but a synonym of it). For anyone who has diabetes, the quest to keep blood sugar levels stable is the holy grail. How could I not select someone called Dr. Steady?

Dr. Steady also had excellent reviews. My visits to the office for the past five years have been efficient, relatively painless experiences. Dr. Steady always concluded a visit by telling me I was too healthy to be there. I only go a few times a year, so the commute was not that big a deal. In fact, it was kind of pleasant taking a trip to the “big city” every few months. I felt very sophisticated and precious.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I realized I was running out of my blood sugar stabilization medication. Now, in my world, I would always have at least 30 days’ worth of drugs on hand so as not to worry about running short. However, insurance companies tend not to think that way. They only let me get a new supply when I am down to 10 days or less of the old prescription. I think they figure I could die in the interim and they would have wasted the money paying for medication that I would never take. Still, 10 days really should be long enough to get a prescription refilled.

I called the pharmacy to order the refill and they indicated they would need to contact the doctor to get an authorization for the prescription renewal. I had an appointment scheduled, but not until a few weeks after I would run out of pills. I waited two days, then called the pharmacy. They told me that they had not heard from the doctor’s office. I called the doctor’s office, who told me that they had submitted the authorization. They said they would send it again. The next morning, I called the pharmacy again and they said that they had not heard from the doctor’s office but would resubmit the request. The next day, I called the pharmacy again. Again, they told me they had not heard from the doctor’s office. I called the doctor’s office. At that point, I was completely out of medication. The doctor’s office swore to me that they were submitting the authorization while I was on the phone.

Apparently, the problem stemmed from the fact that the doctor’s electronic prescription service only works within Orlando. Since I was needing the prescription authorized in my town, which is apparently in an international zip code as far as the doctor’s office is concerned, the electronic system did not work. Never mind that the doctor’s office has been handling my prescriptions for over five years. For some reason, despite my numerous, increasingly more desperate pleas for drugs, someone just kept pushing the computer button. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I do not like to cast aspersions, but I think an insane person must have been trying to authorize my prescription.

Six days into this process of medical musical chairs, I completely ran out of medication. I was going cold turkey. Although my blood sugar levels were certainly higher than they normally are, I was able to keep them reasonable by exercise and consuming only about 1100 calories a day. This was not a mood-enhancing system, I assure you. I also felt like crap all the time. I felt exhausted, headache-y, and weak. I had this strange sensation that there were two incredible forces pushing from both within and outside my body, in conflict with one another. I felt like I was going to spontaneously crumble, as if hit by The Invisible Ray (for those of you who have not seen this old Karloff/Lugosi movie, you might want to check it out.) I am surprised I remained conscious. The only hopeful sign was that I was able to keep my blood sugar level beneath a dangerous range. As the days crept by, one broken promise after another, I did almost surrender. It really seemed a lot easier to die than to continue the fight for Janumet.

At one point a couple of years ago, Dr. Steady suggested the possibility that I might be able to go off the medication because I was doing so well. I was excited because Janumet is expensive. When he made no mention of going off the medication at my next visit, I asked him about it. He explained that he had thought better of the idea because I was doing so well on it. He said that, if I went off the medication and my blood sugar got out of whack, it would be much harder to get it back in whack. At the time, I was disappointed. Now, I see the wisdom of that decision. I think we have all learned now that going off the medication is not a good option for me.

Finally, on Monday (ten days after I originally called in the prescription) afternoon, I confirmed with the pharmacy that they received the authorization. They told me they would fill it the next day. On Tuesday, I called and found out that the pharmacy had none of the drug I needed, so they had to order it. I could expect the prescription to be ready around eleven on Wednesday.

On Wednesday morning, my blood sugar elevated into the danger zone. I was able to work it down with exercise and famine, but it was concerning. I did not hear from the pharmacy on Wednesday, so I went in to see them at around 3. At that point, my next stop was going to be the emergency room. I was back in the “safe” zone on the blood sugar, but I still felt horrible and I was no longer able to keep hope alive.

You guessed it. The drug did not arrive in the pharmacy’s order. The pharmacy tech, to her credit, knew desperation when she saw it. She got on the phone and found me a 30-day supply at another pharmacy about 15 miles down the road. I got back in the car and headed to the other pharmacy, fully expecting there to be yet another problem. Happily, they did sell me my drugs and I downed one immediately. I am still re-whacking my blood sugar levels several days later, but all evidence seems to point to recovery with no lasting consequences.

No lasting consequences to me, that is. For the endocrinologist, not so much. You remember that local endocrinologist that sounded mean in his reviews? It turns out that a friend of mine has been seeing him for several months and really likes him. I decided to fire the Orlando doctor and risk possible curtness.

I called his office to make an appointment yesterday. The office is closed all week. Heavy sigh. I am in the medical twilight zone.

Just to quell any alarm this blog may generate, please know that I wrote in a few weeks ago. I am now safely back on my drugs and managing my blood sugar well.

As we age, health concerns seem to loom much larger than they did in our younger years. What tips and tricks do you employ to keep as healthy as possible in your “more than ready for prime time” years? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Have a healthy day!

Terri/Dorry

Boo!

The jack o’ lanterns are grinning maniacally. The ghosts are keening. The witches are flying on broomsticks against the harvest moon. Costumed freeloaders will soon be knocking on our doors demanding candy and threatening mischief if none is forthcoming. At least that would be happening if we didn’t live in an age restricted community of oldsters in central Florida. Halloween is just around the corner. Maybe we should talk about zombies, werewolves, and vampires today. Or maybe we should talk about something that is really scary…. Five common fears people often face when thinking about retirement.

So…. Turn down the lights and get ready to do some ghost-busting!

I will not have enough money to live as I wish in retirement.

It is difficult not to feel anxious about money when you are facing a rather substantial decrease in income upon retirement. Most people have a sort of intuitive feeling about how much money they can spend without having to think about it too much. We live at a certain standard of spending, based on what is often a fairly stable work income. We buy things we have always bought because we have always been able to afford them. We have a “set point” in our minds about discretionary spending. We have a sense of some dollar amount at which a non-recurring payment stops being an impulse buy and starts being an expenditure requiring deliberate decision-making. When we retire and cut our income 30-50%, that “set point” may change. In fact, our whole intuitive sense of what standard of living we can afford becomes murky. We don’t have any empirical practice at what living on this lesser income feels like when it comes to buying stuff.

One way to mitigate this dilemma is to “practice” living on a lesser income while still working. This helps show us that we can live the way we want to, even on a smaller income. It also helps train our financial muscles to work differently. It hones that intuitive sense of what we can afford. For more information on how to “practice” living on retirement income, you can review my blog post, “The Elephant In The Room. http://www.terrilabonte.com/2016/02/the-elephant-in-the-room/

It is also important to remember that you don’t have to stop earning income completely when you retire. Earning doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. Presumably, you don’t need to earn as much money as you did while working full-time. Maybe, though, you find you need some amount of additional income to shore up your retirement lifestyle. You can probably find a part-time job to fill the gap. You might even decide to start a small business to share your skills. Maybe you can babysit. Maybe you can do light caretaking, like running errands or doing housecleaning or laundry for elderly or disabled neighbors. Maybe you have a skill from your working life or a hobby that you can monetize. It may help you embrace retirement with financial confidence if you know that you have a back-up plan.

I’ll start gaining weight or….

Smoking too much, spending too much money, drinking too much, getting depressed over a failed relationship, or…. insert your bad habit of choice.

When I retired, I was worried about eating too much and gaining weight because I would be home more and have more time to consume food. When I was working, the amount of time I had available to eat was so restricted, it seemed like it shouldn’t be all that hard to minimize my caloric intake. Once I could reach for a snack from my own kitchen cabinet or refrigerator any time of the day, I was afraid that there would be no external circumstances to limit my grazing. I had friends who had the same concerns about being able to smoke without having to wait for a moment to run outside the office for a smoke break. I am sure it is the same with any unhealthy habit. It can feel like the freedom retirement brings may also take away the work-related limits on bad habits.

I found that it was actually easier to maintain and even lose weight once I retired. Yes, I had more time to eat. Yes, I probably do eat more than I did when I was working. However, what I eat is very different. Since I am eating from my own kitchen, my choices are limited to the pretty healthy stuff I’ve put there. I am no longer wolfing down a candy bar at 2:00pm because I could get it at the vending machine and it is the only food I have had time to acquire since I ate breakfast at 5:00am. I don’t feel as compelled to soothe myself with high fat and high carbohydrate comfort foods because I am not as stressed. In short, I am eating more, but the more I am eating is higher quality, more nutritionally dense foods. The other element is exercise. Because I am retired and have much more flexibility in my schedule, I walk over six miles a day and do water aerobics once or twice a week. The exercise has many benefits, including helping to manage my weight despite not eating perfectly.

The additional time you find in retirement can result in the expansion of unhealthy habits, but it all depends on how you look at it and what you decide to do with that time. That time can also provide you with the opportunity to explore, at your own pace, why you built those unhealthy habits in the first place. Rather than gaining weight (or bankruptcy, lung cancer, liver disease, another dysfunctional relationship, or some other consequence of an unhealthy habit), retirement can be the time when you gain happiness.

I’ll lose my friends.

Most of us have a social network that we establish through our jobs. Most of my friends were my work colleagues. Having these wonderful people in my life certainly enriched and sweetened my working years. I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope if those relationships withered when I left the workplace. Guess what? I never had to cope because those relationships never withered.

It is probably naïve to think that all your work friendships will endure after you retire. It is also counter-productive to think that the relationships that do endure will be exactly the same. However, it is defeatist thinking to assume you will lose your whole work-related social network. I found that, for the most part, the people I cherished from my working years are still closely in my heart’s orbit today. For more information about maintaining friendships after retirement, you can review my blog post, Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot. http://www.terrilabonte.com/2016/12/should-auld-acquaintance-be-forgot/

It might also be helpful to “practice” a new social network before retirement. If you are worried about not being connected to your work friends any more, perhaps it would be good to start expanding your circle of friends to other areas- church groups, civic organizations, neighbors, etc.

People retire and then they die.

Many of us know people who worked their whole lives in relative good health and dropped dead soon after retiring. There are enough of these stories circulating that we can get a little superstitious about entering the retired ranks. I think the logical fallacy of “because something happens after an event, it must have been caused by the event” is at play in those superstitions.

It is probably true that some people are so connected to their work that they get bored and lose their spark when they retire. I suppose that could contribute to a premature death. However, I don’t think most people die after retirement because they are so depressed they lose the will to live and just fade away. There may be a period of confusion and depression, but most of us find our way through that time and find our new lives. If a person does die shortly after retirement, seemingly for no reason, I think there is likely some reason. That reason may have actually been present before the retirement, but the person may just not have wanted people to know about it. The condition may have presented itself after retirement, but would have reared its ugly head at the same time, whether the person was working or retired.

If I retire, I’ll lack purpose in my life.

Most people think that their purpose in life is what they do. In reality, the opposite should be true. We should do what is our purpose in life. Unfortunately, for many of us, the work that we do to make our living isn’t what truly makes us feel whole and the best version of ourselves. We may find it satisfying and interesting and reasonably lucrative in providing for our wants and needs, but it probably isn’t what makes our hearts sing and our souls expand. Even though what we do for work probably isn’t truly our purpose and driving force, it’s easy to get in the habit of thinking that it is over many years of a career. Partly this happens because we just don’t have any time for much else while we are working. Partly it happens because it is much easier for us to measure progress and success towards “purpose” by keeping our focus on a career than it is to explore where our true purpose lies. After all, no one gives you a raise or a promotion for self-actualization.

If you are one of the lucky people whose “career” purpose and “self” purpose intersect, it is likely that you can find a way to live out that purpose passionately in retirement. You may be able to work part time or volunteer to follow your heart. If you can’t physically do the work that is your purpose, you can probably still consult, mentor, teach, or write to share your skills with others.

For more information about finding your new life, you can review my post Get a Life. http://www.terrilabonte.com/2016/09/get-a-life/

So maybe the shadows of retirement are not so scary after all. Now that we’ve pushed these skeletons back into the closet, how about some candy? Trick or treat, anybody?

Now it’s your turn! What were your fears about retirement? Do you think those fears were well-founded? How did you overcome them? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you an email me at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Happy Haunting!

Terri 🙂

Happy Heart Day

When I was working, I learned about “skinny” words and “fat” words. Fat words have multiple meanings and are stuffed with connotations, making them subject to many different interpretations. Skinny words are direct, concrete, and specific. A fundamental concept of leadership is that, when giving direction, it is better to use skinny words. They tend to reduce confusion and are more likely to result in the desired outcome.

Now that I am writing a blog and not managing people, I am less interested in reaching a specific desired outcome. I’m more interested in suggesting ideas and stimulating thought. I’m renewing my relationship with words of all body types. I find that, when used deliberately, fat words can be evocative and effective.

“Heart” is one of those delightfully pudgy words. It just about explodes with meaning, memory, and feeling for most of us. We can easily identify many meanings for “heart.” I’d like to explore just a few of them on this Valentine’s Day.

First, we have the most literal meaning of the word. Our hearts keep our bodies going. They pump our life’s blood to the farthest reaches of our physical beings so that all our necessary organs have the energy to do their vital jobs. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States. We do cardio exercise to reduce our risk. We scan the grocery store shelves looking for foods high in antioxidants to strengthen our hearts. We try to embrace low fat diets to minimize those pesky plaque deposits that can creep into our hearts’ highways through the body. Does it strike anyone else that it is pretty ironic that rich, high fat chocolates come in heart-shaped boxes? Of course, heart-shaped…. isn’t. Actually, the heart is shaped more like a fist, which, when I really think about it, is a bit disconcerting.

The beleaguered baseball players in the play Damn Yankees tell us ya gotta have heart. Miles and miles of it. I don’t know if we need miles and miles of it, but it is clearly true that a body needs a heart, in the most literal sense. Without that vital organ pumping away inside my chest, I have no life. On the other hand, without heart, I may have a life, but I may not be really living it. The heart about which our musical friends are belting is determination, persistence in the face of adversity, grace under pressure, and courage. Heart is what makes us root for the underdog. Heart is what enables us to do the things we believe we must do even when they seem impossible.

Which brings us to the “heart” metaphor most associated with Valentine’s Day- love. Heart means romance, but also love of all kinds. At this time of year, pink, red, and white hearts scatter all over everything. Flower and jewelry sales skyrocket. There is a certain pressure to put love on a pedestal and admire it from afar. In reality, though heartfelt love is up close and personal. It is a participation, not a spectator, sport.

A loving heart often requires deliberate decision making about what actions we take in life. When we decide to live a life of heartfelt love, we are deciding to view everything that happens to us and everyone we encounter through a lens of love. Love is not rationed. Loving one person does not reduce our capacity to love others. In fact, it increases it. Exercising our love muscles strengthens our ability to love, just as cardio exercise strengthens our literal heart muscles. As we become more adept at loving, we won’t love everybody the same way but we will love everybody better. Love involves both giving and receiving. It isn’t always easy or comfortable to do either. Sometimes, it almost seems impossible. To live with a heart full of love is the most beautiful way to live. That sort of life is as filled with meaning as that lusciously chubby “heart” word itself.” Living a life with a heartful of love is not for the faint-hearted. It requires that other kind of heart… the Damn Yankees kind of heart.

Have a Happy Heart Day, both literally and figuratively. At the heart of the matter, I wish you health, courage, and love. Oh, and have one or two of those rich, high fat chocolates that come in the heart-shaped box. Maybe just stick to the dark chocolate ones, though. All those antioxidants, you know!

I do realize that Valentine’s Day was actually yesterday…. but don’t you think today is still a great day to think about what is in our hearts? Now it’s your turn! What do you think of when you hear the word “heart?” Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can send me an email at terriretirement@gmail.com.

Have a heart-y day!

Terri 🙂