Sometimes, I think I am ticking things off my “to do” list and begin to believe I am “caught up.” In reality, I am “caught up” all right, but not in the sense I am deluding myself into believing. I am “caught up” IN something much more than I am “caught up” WITH something.
As I have shared with you, these past few months have been very busy. I was designing and teaching a spiritual formation course at my church, continuing with my normal volunteer duties, establishing and nurturing new relationships with some very special people, finding ways to keep connected in important existing relationships, continuing to publish the blog, coming to some realizations about my own personal growth that are just beginning to manifest themselves, completing all the necessary tasks of normal life, and planning a trip with Max in May. I recently calculated that I have been involved in teaching at my church for 23 of the past 36 weeks. It has been wonderful. I seem to be experiencing an expansion of joy in my life right now. The time, work, and challenges that are hallmarks of this growth spurt are paying off big time.
The problem, if there is one, is that I do feel like I am constantly running and jumping and stretching and changing, all the time trying to remember to breathe in the random pauses in the self-constructed chaos. I do not want to do anything to risk the momentum of this exciting time, but I do think it is necessary to find a balance where “breathing” does not end up as priority C-24 in the Franklin Planner. Call me crazy but doesn’t “breathing” have to be an A-1 priority?
I’ve noticed a few wobbles lately that I think regular oxygen in my lungs might help resolve. For one thing, I am having a tough time finishing the housework that I usually easily complete in the course of a week- even while still engaging in my normal activities. I find myself trying to do a task that is most efficiently completed in one 45-minute time slot in 10–12-minute spurts. There are a number of problems with that. First, I often have trouble remembering where I left off after each spurt. I am sure I repeat or miss steps. Another problem is that I can never capitalize on the momentum of a job well-done. Instead of basking in the satisfaction that I have finished a big task, it is time to start it over again by the time I finally finish it. I feel like I am chasing my tail instead of making progress. Many of you were probably troubled to learn that my Christmas wreath was still on the door and Duffy the Disney Bear was still wearing his Santa suit. That is the kind of thing that taunts me when I am feeling breathless.
Another problem is that I tend to prioritize “to do” list items over sleep. It is not unusual for me to go to bed at 10:00pm but juggle, stew, and cram undone tasks into another two hours so that I don’t actually try to sleep until midnight. This is clearly singularly pathological. Obviously, sleep is important. Going without a few hours of sleep is a temporary solution to a permanent problem. If I try to make it a permanent solution, I will soon find out that any time I gain by skipping sleep is likely to be lost the next day or days when I try to do tasks in a sleep-deprived, irritable state.
I have also noticed an insidious resurrection of my natural shyness. Most people do not know how shy I am by nature. I seem friendly, warm, and outgoing. I like to think I am friendly, warm, and outgoing. I want to be friendly, warm, and outgoing. In fact, I have worked extremely hard and very intentionally to liberate the part of me that has the potential to be friendly, warm, and outgoing because I value it so highly. It would make me incredibly sad to return to the me who was too afraid to break through the shyness. I would miss so much beauty and richness if I reverted to that person. Having said that, I recognize that there is a rope of shyness that threatens to tighten around me nearly every time interact with people- even people with whom I have a long-term close relationship. I didn’t get to liberate the friendly, warm, outgoing me once and have an end to it. I must do it repeatedly if I want to live lusciously. It is worth it.
Recently, I’ve seen signs of allowing shyness to bind my life. I’ve avoided anything requiring a phone call, even things I want to do- like checking in with old friends who have moved away. I am finding that I am tempted to skip fellowship activities that I typically look forward to. I find myself worrying about how to keep everyone’s needs balanced and forgetting about my own. I find myself feeling guilty that I am spread too thin to cover everything in a way that feels satisfying to me and to others. I know I am starting to get into the danger zone when I hear myself bargaining with myself about “taking my turn” when I put off something for myself so that I can do something for/with someone else.
I find all this disconcerting. As I said, I have been walking in a wonderful garden of growth these past months, and I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to say “no, not now” because I am afraid it will be heard as or come to mean “no, not ever.” I don’t want to say “I need a break” without having a comprehensive plan about how long that break will be and what I will tackle next. I am afraid that, if I give up tight control on my scheduling, the joy and fulfillment I’ve enjoyed over the past few months will disappear forever. Of course, such an outcome is not likely to be real, although my fear that it will feels very real. I believe in a God who leads me and does not forsake me. I believe it is my responsibility to lay my life before Him to use as He wishes. That doesn’t mean He does not expect me to be a good steward of the life He has given me. It also doesn’t mean that His plan is to always involve me in His work…. Or always involve me in His work in the exact same way. My biggest struggle with faith is trusting that God is flying the plane. He doesn’t even expect me to file the flight plan. That’s His job. All he expects of me is to sit with Him, keep Him company, and respond willingly when He asks me to do something. That feels like it should be relatively easy to do, but I have the hardest time with it. Why would God want to do all this for me? For us? It feels like I am letting Him down if I let Him work harder than I do.
So, you can see, despite my spiritual growth spurt, God still has work to do in me. And I am trying to be patient. Maybe the problem is not as big as I fear. After all, this week, I did manage to replace the winter wreath on the door with the summer one and changed Duffy out of his Santa costume back into his sailor suit.
Have an oxygen-enhanced day!
Terri/Dorry 😊
What do you do when you feel like you can’t get caught up with everything that needs doing? Please share your perspective by leaving a comment. In the alternative, you can email me at terriretirment@gmail.com.